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Settling vs. ExpectationsA common conversation among singles in the church and the single population in general, especially when you hear about a breakup, is that person being consoled and told to “not settle”, the internet is overflowing with these memes, but what does that mean? Oftentimes people have a big laundry list of what they desire in someone else, and they consider settling to be not getting someone with that entire laundry list means they are settling. There are some things missing from this equation
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To Trust or Not to Trust?One of the most challenging aspects of both online dating relationships and relationships in general is the topic of trust. Trust, from the Webster dictionary, is defined as "belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc." In relationships, trust involves believing the other will uphold essential principles and values including sexual fidelity, respectful and civil treatment, and willingness and commitment to follow through with responsibilities such as church
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Being FriendzonedWhen getting to know someone online, over the phone, in person, how do you know when they decide they aren't romantically interested? Or, as it's commonly called today, them "friendzoning" you. Sometimes the other person will just come out and say it, usually with one of the more common cliches: "I just don't think we're a match", "I just see us as friends", "I just don't think this is going to work out", etc. Sometimes you hear this sooner, other times later. It usually hurts when you hear
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Marital Research Findings: John GottmanThere is one man acknowledged by most academics to be the world's leading researcher in marital relationships: Dr John Gottman from the University of Washington. Gottman has been researching couples in his "love laboratory" for decades, as is often quoted in Ensign articles and by many LDS professors, even though he is not LDS. Therefore, his research findings by and large can be respected as helpful, useful, and applicable to most couples, most of the time. John Gottman has many useful
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Workable CompromiseWhat do you do when the person you are dating or married to disagrees with you on what to do or how to do it, whatever "it" is? What do you do when your interests or opinions are in direct conflict with the wants, needs, or feelings of the other? What do you do when you simply want different things? Navigating such differences is a key in making relationships work. Sometimes the best you can hope for is a workable compromise you can both live with, at least for a while. The spirit of a
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Responding to CriticismOne of the keys of any successful relationship and marriage is responding effectively to the mild to moderate criticism that sometimes will come your way from the other person (responding to extreme verbal abuse through boundaries will be discussed in another article). This is especially true if you date and marry a person with a more aggressive or confrontational personality. However, in marriage, these moments will sometimes happen with most couples at some point. Therefore, the point of
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Listening SkillsListening. In relationships, complaints of poor listening are common, but explanations of what really makes for good listening is much more rare. It's almost as if good listening skills were "so obvious", there should be no need for further clarification of what that actually looks and sounds like. From my experience in the therapy office, both men and women complain that the other doesn't listen. However, the complaint seems to come from wives and girlfriends about their guy much more
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Communication SkillsHow many couples do you know who have complained that they "have a communication problem" or a "conflict resolution" problem? With most couples--dating or married, one partner tends to be more open in an aggressive way, whereas the second partner tends to be more closed and conflict avoidant in a passive or passive aggressive way. The result? A lack of resolution, as well as frustration, resentment, and other hurt feelings. The goal of effective communication is for both partners to speak
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How to Open Up About FeelingsOne of the bigger dating challenges for some comes in the difficulty of verbally opening up. Letting the other person in. Sharing what's in your heart, mind, and soul. Making yourself vulnerable. Expressing wants, needs, opinions, and feelings. Making requests. Saying no and setting boundaries. If this describes you, you probably have your reasons for not opening up. Perhaps people in the past have used things you shared against you. Perhaps it's lead to an argument or friction. Whatever your
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Assertive Communication SkillsAssertive communication is open, honest and direct like aggressive communication, but also respectful and civil like passive communication. Basically, assertive communication blends the best of the other two styles without the inherent drawbacks that come with them. Maintaining an assertive communication style will allow you to express your wants, needs and feelings and resolve conflict, while at the same time minimizing potential hurt feelings, resentment, and retaliation. Accordingly, here
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3 Modes of CommunicationHow many times have we heard that couples are having "communication problems" or "conflict resolution problems"? Pretty often. In my therapy office couch when I am working with couples, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be one of their main issues and goals to work on. There are gender differences that add to this issue, but I will address that in another article. For now and before learning some communication skills, it's helpful to start understanding this issue by dividing styles
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Make the First MoveDon’t play hard to get: You won’t get got. You’re out of high school now, if you are interested in someone, be it male or female, go ahead and talk to them. Ask them to dance, ask them out for a meal, or a walk. Be open to that request and take a chance. Game Playing: There are books written on “game” for guys and how to manipulate women and it is predicated on certain typical behavior in most women. One of the most common is based on the saying “women always want the shoes another woman
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Using Personality TestsPersonality tests, when shown to be valid and reliable, can offer great insights into ourselves and/or our dating partner. Interestingly, we as people often don't know ourselves as well as we might think we do. So the more we learn about ourselves and our dating partner, the more we can know what areas of concern need to be addressed and improved upon. High quality questionnaires can be useful tools in this regard, and I highly recommend them. Many problems in relationships seem to emerge
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Green Light Signals - Are They Interested?One of the sometimes exciting, sometimes frustrating things about getting to know someone in the beginning of dating is: are they really interested in me? And how interested? Both men and women can be rather coy in this regard. Three possibilities here: A) They haven't decided how interested they are in you yet. B) They have decided they are not that interested and don't want to hurt your feelings, hoping you will get the hint. C) They're interested, possibly very interested, but don't want
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