by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
When considering someone to date, when in a dating relationship, when engaged or especially when married, a normal human tendency both in and out of the church is to wonder if "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence". In other words, we wonder if another relationship besides what we are in would be better. Maybe someone else would be better looking, nicer, richer, more fun, better with kids, better with money, kinder, more considerate, more civil and respectful, etc. Maybe, maybe not. These curiosities are natural, normal, and sometimes understandable. However, be careful because these feelings might lead you to sabotage an otherwise decent relationship that would have improved with some additional time and work together.
In Abuse Relationships
Sometimes these "grass is greener" feelings are very understandable: some relationships are very poor, full of verbal or even physical abuse, disrespect, neglect, addiction, and other serious issues. In these cases, consultation with a bishop and a licensed psychotherapist respectful of LDS values can help to guide you in your determination of how to proceed forth from there. In the October 1991 general conference, Sister Aileen H. Clyde gives the following excellent insights and direction on this issue, which basically can be summarized as, "if you are in an abusive relationship, put a stop to the abuse (and perhaps the relationship) and get the help you need to do so":
If charity is not always quick to our understanding, it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding. It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him, we must respect ourselves, suggests we must not accept disrespect from others. It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. There are priesthood leaders and other loving servants who will give aid and strength when they know of the need. We must be willing to let others help us.
In my general opinion as a psychotherapist, when notable verbal and/or physical abuse exists in a dating relationship, I usually recommend to end it. The grass usually would be greener in another relationship. If this is the way you are being treated and you aren't even married yet, the prospects would usually be even worse for how they would treat you in a marital setting after the commitment. Conversely, in a marriage, especially when there are children and/or a temple marriage involved, the stakes are much higher and such cases need to be looked at on an individual basis. Church leaders and qualified psychotherapists can help to empower you as you make whatever decision would be best. Sometimes that involves working things out with outside help, and at other times, separation and/or divorce will be what is needed.
In Non Abusive Situations
For the rest of the relationship scenarios, maybe the person you are dating treats you with basic civility and respect and doesn't possess a notable addiction, but you still wonder. Perhaps you are bored, feeling distant, and not really into the other person. Maybe your interests and personalities aren't meshing very well. Perhaps you are at notably different places spiritually or in other areas of your life. Maybe they have some quirks or other traits that really bug or bother you. Sometimes it might feel like the conversations aren't flowing smoothly and maybe it can feel like there is "nothing to talk about". What is best with these kinds of situations?
Again, I think there is a big difference in dating versus marriage. I think it is better to have a stronger filter with these scenarios when dating, versus when in a marriage. In dating, you are free to go out with whomever you wish. You can ask yourself, "does this person make me happy enough and do I make them happy enough?" If so, work on your issues. Have discussions. Make requests. Do what you can do from your end to help and improve the relationship. Become solution focused. Make your relationship together a Christ-centered relationship centered on church attendance, scripture reading, prayers, and other wholesome pursuits. If you have tried but really still can't imagine yourself committed to and married to this individual--if the gulf and challenges are just too great, perhaps it is best to move on.
In marriage when no notable abuse, neglect, or addictions are present, especially when you have children together, I suggest to work these issues out and try to salvage your marriage. Again, get the help and assistance of your bishop and a licensed, qualified psychotherapist respectful of LDS values. Go to work on your marriage. Many of these issues, given work and time, can be notably improved upon. When a marriage is decently respectful yet has become distant or "on the rocks", work to improve and salvage it. That is the Lord's way when possible. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-09-13 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).