When Will I Get Married?

by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)

Commonly in the LDS singles community, people desire to be married for many years or decades--but may not for a variety of reasons. Often marriage seems delayed. Some have never been married, others are divorced or widowed. Many if not most LDS singles would like to be married but they are often scared. While some fear possible rejection and failure, others suffer from social anxiety and the overall dating process. Others perhaps live in an area with few LDS singles and little dating opportunity within the church. Still, others seemingly have great opportunity and availability of other LDS singles, but commitment and marriage just haven't happened yet for any number of possible reasons. For most, it's not if they will ever be married (or married again), but when (and under a variety of possible circumstances). Having patience and persistence until that time can be challenging.

Until engagement and marriage happens, some LDS singles can get discouraged, even bitter. Some feel entitled to a spouse and may become resentful towards the other gender or even God himself for not providing the marriage desired. Still others can fall to depression, even suicidal thoughts. If any of these circumstances seem familiar or relatable to you (and/or other LDS singles you know), this brief article will offer some perspective and suggestions to tackle this challenging issue.

Marital Entitlement

First of all, no one is "entitled" to get married. Meaning, just because you live a good, worthy, Christ-like life, that alone does not automatically entitle you or anyone else for marriage. Being a worthy, strong church member--especially a worthy temple recommend holder--is a huge plus in the LDS dating scene, and I absolutely recommend striving for that. However, that alone in and of itself will not provide or create a marriage. So, what does "provide or create" a marriage? How does it happen?

Well, in my opinion as an LDS psychologist and marriage & family therapist dealing with this issue for many years, I like to promote the age old idea that "if it is to be, it is up to me". Or another good old saying that applies here: "I believe in luck--the harder I work, the luckier I get". From what I have seen, here is the best formula to find marriage success: 1) the harder you work on yourself to be as "date-able" and as "marriageable" as possible, and 2) the more you put yourself out there socially on a consistent and persistent basis, your odds of successfully finding and marrying a quality spouse goes up tremendously. In other words, being proactive and making strategic dating efforts will usually be more successful that not working on yourself and/or just expecting to be found without socializing.

Being "Date-able" and "Marriageable"

Here are some suggestions to raise your dating stock and increase interest from others in the dating scene:

1) Spiritually, keep (or work to get) an active temple recommend. Then, continue to live a temple worthy lifestyle and attend the temple regularly. Also, study your scriptures, pray, attend church, fulfill your callings, and take every other reasonable opportunity to increase your spiritual status and worthiness.

2) Physically, eat healthy, eat moderately, exercise regularly, maintain a decent sleep schedule, and get down to and maintain a healthy weight for your height. Make efforts with your fashion, your hygiene, and hair style. Take care of yourself and accept that physical attraction matters. Remember: you are trying to attract someone. Looks matter in the dating world, so please look as attractive as possible!

3) Socially, develop your conversation and listening skills. Regularly approach and begin conversations with others. Give positive energy. Smile, be positive, and keep a good posture and body language. Be as approachable and as engaging and possible. Regularly learn about and improve communication skills, as well as gender differences and relationships through quality books, audio, or video--both from LDS and non-LDS sources.

4) Practically, minimize debt, save money, invest wisely in education and property, and develop your career. Get yourself in as much of a practical position as possible to be able to marry when the opportunity exists--hopefully in the near future.

Putting Yourself Out There Socially

You probably won't find your future spouse kicking your door down to find you, date you, and marry you. More likely, you will need to consistently and persistently put yourself in as many positive social situations and opportunities as possible, and then approach and engage with others as much as you can manage. Be proactive, not reactive. Go to where the LDS singles are and get involved. You may even need to move if necessary. Get to know people. Great opportunities to meet other LDS singles include church attendance, church activities, regional singles activities, attending the temple, quality LDS online dating sites, group get-togethers with LDS friends (and friends of friends you can be introduced to), and so on. Market yourself. Sell yourself. Enjoy, accept, and engage in the social process. Stay positive about the dating world and the other gender. Stop complaining, and look for the best in others as you show them the best of you.

Will you get married? Probably, but when and to whom will mostly depend on you. I can simply say that if you strongly and faithfully apply the 2 suggestions given in this article, you will greatly increase your odds and speed up the timetable for marriage success. And you can do this. The Lord wants you to. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.

Previous article Next article

About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).