by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
As an extension of the article I wrote last week with the same title, I thought that this was an important enough topic to write more about, given many common misconceptions, dissatisfaction, and dysfunction existing in the area of sex lives amongst fellow LDS members. Once again, I will use the word "sex" instead of "intimacy" to make it very clear what I am referring to so there is no confusion.
Promoting complete abstinence before marriage and fidelity after are core principles of our faith. Also important in our faith is the fact that a good, healthy, regular sex life in marriage is essential as we build what we hope will be an eternal relationship. Accordingly, rather than reviewing research, this time I thought I'd share some church quotes here supporting the importance of sex and sex lives in marriage. This may be an eye opener for some, and I hope that it is as you look forward towards your marriage someday (or better nurture the one you have).
Principle 1: Marriage is an important, essential bonding agent in marriage.
In the classic Ensign article, They Twain Shall Be One (September 1986), Brent A. Barlow shares the following story:
"Several years ago when I was a young missionary and had just received a new companion, we met a Protestant minister who invited us in out of the cold. After exchanging points of view on various topics, he asked us, “And what is the Mormon attitude towards sexuality?”
"I choked on my cup of hot chocolate, but my new companion seemed unmoved. “Well,” said the minister after a moment of silence, “could you please tell me the Mormon philosophy toward sexuality?” I was tongue-tied and believed my new companion knew next to nothing on the matter. However, when my companion realized that I didn’t have an answer, he finally said, “Sir, we believe in it.”
Brother Barlow continues, "…(We) believe in the good that can be derived from the appropriate use of intimacy in marriage. We are well aware of the joy and unity that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured."
Furthermore, President Spencer W. Kimball has said: “We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experiences between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children.” (Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4.) While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity.
As a marital therapist and husband since 1996 myself, I can attest to the importance of the powerful bonding agent that a good sex life creates. Many of the greatest joys and happiness awaits those who marry and invest positive, loving, nurturing energy into this important element of marriage. A good sex life isn't everything in a marriage, but this key element of marriage looms very large towards overall marital satisfaction, happiness, and closeness.
Principle 2: Sex life problems are commonly directly or indirectly connected to marital dissatisfaction and even divorce.
In the opinion of President Spencer W. Kimball, he noted “if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.)
Furthermore, another excellent quote on the need to talk things out: “If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities. … if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, … much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 22–23, 73.)
As both an LDS member, a clinical psychologist and a marriage & family therapist, I have seen many couples in my psychotherapy office over the years. I can verify and validate what President Kimball said back in 1982. When one or both spouses are unhappy with their sex lives together, many different negative results become more likely. Emotional troubles commonly include resentment, self-esteem problems, depression, anxiety, frustration, friction, and arguments. Also, a troubled sex life also contributes to a higher risk of spousal pornography viewing, masturbation, and even emotional and/or physical affairs with others. In otherwords, the great bonding and closeness that exists with a good sex life in countered with great troubles resulting when one's sex life is poor or neglected.
Principle 3:Have a positive attitude towards sex as a God given positive power
President Kimball has eloquently stated: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.)
Having a positive attitude and an enthusiasm about sex and your sex life in marriage supports this celebratory attitude on the subject, as supported by President Kimball. Whether you are not yet married or already married, working to improve your general attitude towards youe sex life together will go a long way towards making this a marital strength rather than a negative in your lives together. And this is the way it was meant to be. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-05-11 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships, Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).