Sex Lives in Marriage

by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)

As LDS members, we generally have a strange, awkward relationship with the topic of sex. That's right, I said the word "sex". Can we as church members talk about this important, relevant topic openly? In short, yes, when it's done in a respectful manner. Becoming educated on this subject will help support, sustain, and enrich your eventual marriage. So why is the topic of "sex" in marriage rarely discussed in church member circles? And why is the general, vague often confusing word "intimacy" often used instead of sex? In short, it's an attempt to try to preserve and support the sacredness and sanctity of sex. In our church we promote complete abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage. However, we also promote having a great, regular, positive sex life within marriage to bond spouses together and enrich their connection. The risk is that little talk and education about sex can lead to dissatisfaction and dysfunction, thus threatening marriages.

For purposes of this educational article, I will be using the word sex, instead of intimacy so it is clear what I am talking about. It's an important topic. Confusion, ignorance, and faulty assumptions/expectations about sex causes friction, frustration, and possibly the end of a marriage. When you are eventually married (or married again), I hope this information will help you become a little more equipped and prepared for a healthy, happy, mutually satisfying sex life.

Research

Here are four interesting, research based facts about sex and sex lives between men and women in general, with certain implications for LDS marriages (Sources include: http://facts.randomhistory.com/2009/01/10_sex.html).


Fact #1 Statistics show that approximately 90% of men and 65% of women masturbate from time to time. As LDS church members in a marriage, the numbers are hopefully lower than that, given our values that such behavior is sinful and a violation of the law of chastity (thus requiring repentance). Still, masturbation is a marital risk, a concern, and a possible reality, especially if a couple's sex life has lessened and distance and loneliness enter into a marriage. Suggestion: Lessen the risk and temptation for either side masturbating by making your sex life a regular priority together, and follow suggestions below.

Fact #2: The average couple spends about 20 minutes engaged in sexual foreplay prior to intercourse. Although the amount of time both partners desire foreplay is somewhat individual, the main idea here is that foreplay is important, as well as physical affection in general--so don't neglect it. Adequate foreplay helps assure that both spouses are having a positive, enjoyable experience. Women on average take longer to become physically aroused, so more foreplay is often more essential for women to have an enjoyable experience each time. Suggestion: Remember that for the most part, the more foreplay you can begin with in your future marriage, the more enjoyable to sex life will be. Don't rush things and don't neglect this important part of your sex lives. Communicate, get in synch, and give each other what is needed here.

Fact #3: The main issues that tend to lower men's libido (desire for sex) are A) being told no too often and/or B) if his wife has notably let her looks go. When a man is told no too often, he'll begin to take the rejection personally. He'll find the sting of hearing no building up inside and stop initiating for fear of disappointment, embarrassment, and feeling undesirable. Suggestion: in your future marriage, ask yourself why you are saying no so often. Inform him why as well, and let him know what he can do (or stop doing) with his approach, timing, etc. that is leading to so many "nos". Give him a treasure map, so to speak. Give him more "yeses" as he makes the changes, including some praise and positive reinforcement along the way. The goal is to communicate with him in a positive way so that he'll work with you accordingly and more yeses will result.

In the looks department, husbands won't expect you to look like a model from a magazine cover or anything extreme. However, he'll still desire that efforts be made in this area. Please keep trying, even as life changes and becomes challenging. Why? Because he is a visually wired creature and will appreciate your efforts to keep a moderate, consistent weight, dress nicely, wear makeup, etc. It's a fact that looks matter to husbands and you need to know this. Suggestion: Try to roughly make the same efforts with your looks as when you met and started dating. He was attracted to you at that level in the beginning which helped to get you both together. Therefore, maintaining that look as well as reasonably as possible will help keep the flame alive.

Fact #4: The main issues that tend to lower women's libido (desire for sex) include stress, fatigue, unresolved marital issues (resentment), emotional distance, and/or fluctuating hormones.

It's true that are more "stars that need to align" to help a woman be in the mood sexually, and all of these factors need to come together to a degree. Women also have a lower libido on average than men. Women are just wired differently this way. If a wife is too tired or stressed, it hurts her libido. If there are notable (and/or a large accumulation) of resentments from unresolved conflicts, she will struggle to get or stay in the mood. Same with too much emotional distance and too weak of an emotional bond with her husband. And her hormonal levels will sometimes be unbalanced and uncooperative as well. All of these factors combine to give her a somewhat lower libido on average.

Suggestion: Consider all of these factors regularly. Ask her how you can relieve her excess stress and fatigue. Look around for opportunities to step in and give her relief without asking first as well. Be proactive. Be opportunistic. Work hard. Be considerate. Help her out in whatever ways you can see will make the biggest difference. Furthermore, apologize and commit to change with her areas of frustration with you (as reasonable). Ask her to open up and support her with good validating listening. Plan activities together. Bond. Create as much emotional closeness as possible. And after all of those efforts, when she still says no sometimes when she physically (hormonally) isn't be in the mood, act patient and understanding. A no right now will be more likely to turn to a yes later.

You can have a great sex life with your future spouse as long as you work at it in these ways. And it's worth it. It's important. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Best wishes,
Dr. G

**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.

Previous article Next article

About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).