One of the keys of any successful relationship and marriage is responding effectively to the mild to moderate criticism that sometimes will come your way from the other person (responding to extreme verbal abuse through boundaries will be discussed in another article). This is especially true if you date and marry a person with a more aggressive or confrontational personality. However, in marriage, these moments will sometimes happen with most couples at some point. Therefore, the point of this article is to help prepare you for those moments with some special listening and responding skills.
So, when being confronted with mild to moderate criticism, what do you do? How do you respond? Well, first, it's important to understand responses that tend not to be effective to minimize: A) If you get defensive and argue back, you now are in an argument and the conversation will probably go from bad to worse, often with raised voices. B) If you try to respond with an answer or an explanation, the other will often dispute and argue against your explanation. C) If you just shut down and withdraw, the other is likely to feel abandoned and that you are shutting them out, leading to frustration and resentment. In short, responding in any of these three ways can inadvertently fuel the fire and give ammunition to expand the contention and bad feelings.
Instead, responding with some effective special listening skills can effectively deflate, defuse, and disarm the conflict and limit the damage. Some effective responding to criticism skills include the following:
1) Keep a tone of voice that is an effective combination of soft, calm, respectful, civil, genuine, and as appropriate, innocent and curious. Keeping this tone will help calm the conflict. Conversely, an angry, irritated, defensive tone will fuel tension and friction.
2) Ask questions and ask for specifics in a way that demonstrates a desire to understand and a general feeling of collaboration and caring. Conversely, asking questions in a defensive or irritating tone results in the tone being the focus instead of what you are asking, with defensiveness to follow.
3) Periodically summarize back/paraphrase back what is said (called "reflective listening"). Done in an innocent, curious, genuine manner, your attempt at summarizing back what is said will result in a response of A) "no, I'm saying____", B) "yes, but I'm also saying_____", or C) "yes, that's basically what I am saying". It doesn't really matter which of the three answers you received, as long you show you are really just trying to get where they are coming from.
4) As appropriate, thank the other for their (hopefully) good intentions of what they are attempting to accomplish by bringing up the tense or negative topic. Examples of positive intentions you can mention may include "caring", "concern", "help", etc. Showing that you understand a positive intention somewhere in the criticism can usually deflate the contention. Please just don't say the word "but" after your thank you, which effectively negates the positive thing you just said.
5) Agree with whatever they are saying or accusing you of when you can actually see they are making a reasonable point. "You're right, I am____". Adding the word "sometimes" or "maybe" can make your apology more genuine if they accuse you with a "you always_____" or "you never_____" (which of course, isn't true). Again, please don't say the negating word "but" after your agreeable statement. Agreement calms. Agreement puts you on the same side versus opposing sides, effectively calming down the encounter.
6) After using some combination of the previous 5 responding to criticism skills and after deflating, defusing, and disarming the situation, use a 3 part final response to tie up the conversation and end it on good terms: A) agree or admit to what you can in general from what they have said (without the word "but" afterwards), B) apologize ("I apologize" will go better than "I'm sorry"), and C) commit to improve in a reasonable manner from here on out. A great way to end the conversation.
Sometimes we have an aggressive dating partner or spouse. Sometimes they are just having a bad day or some stress in their lives. We all have them moments. However, rather than adding fuel to the fire, use these techniques to end the contention as soon and as effectively as possible. Be on the same page.
Collaborate. Try to understand each other. Remember you care about each other. Master these listening and responding skills because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). Best wishes,
Dr. G
| 2016-02-06 | Randy Gilchrist | Communication, Conflict resolution |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).