by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
One tendency that commonly manifests in relationships, especially LDS relationships is an unbalanced combination of one side rescuing, fixing, and saving, and the other side needing the rescuing, fixing, and saving. Some on the surface might assume, "what's wrong with that?" Well, in short, over time this discrepancy over time makes for more of an unbalanced, parent-child kind of relationship where both sides will resent the other, eventually leading towards the demise of the union together. The responsible giver comes to resent giving so much and receiving so little, whereas the taker resents their disrespected, dependent status, and childlike role they have found themselves in. In other words, even though such complimentary relationships make for a strong, natural match, it also makes for an unhealthy match that will eventually fall apart under its own weight.
White Knights and Damsels in Distress
When the men are in the rescue/fix/save mode, they metaphorically ride in on their white horse to rescue the woman in crisis, swoop her off her feet, and then
ride off with her into the sunset to live happily ever after with him as the ultimate hero. Such men tend to be very giving, sacrificial, deferential, brave, patient, and others-oriented. So, to utilize such traits to maximum effect, such men are often naturally attracted to and choose women with large troubles in their life: financially, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, relationally, addictions-wise, etc. Swooping in to save the day, such men offer support, reassurance, comfort, protection, and a buffer against the natural results of such troubles. Temporarily, anyway.
Often such damsels initially look up to white knights as heroes and saviors. Often, a codependency naturally follows where the damsel will keep having continued and new problems and the white knight will dutifully keep helping her as much as she can. Eventually and over time, such relationships tend to wear out both sides with neither side respecting the other over time: him for her problems and her for his acting like a parent rather than her partner.
Good Girls and Bad Boys
When the genders are reversed, a similar arrangement and unhealthy union tends to results. "Good girls" are also giving, sacrificial, deferential, brave, patient, and others-oriented like white knights. Other attributes of good girls may include being affectionate, nurturing, passive, and sweet. Oppositely, "bad boys", like damsels in distress, can also possess a wide array of financial, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, relational, addiction oriented problems. Furthermore, bad boys may also posses traits such as power/control issues, and even verbal and sometimes physical abuse.
As giving, loving, and nurturing as some good girls may be, it's never enough in the save the bad boy…from himself. The more she tries to help him, the more trouble he will get into. Eventually, he will sabotage the relationship and push her away, or she will feel so used and taken advantage of, even to the point of post-traumatic stress. Such relationships rarely last, and the ones that do are rarely happy.
A Different Approach
Ideally, both sides approach a relationship as "givers", but in a roughly even, balanced manner. Neither side is superior, notably more functional, or in any kind of lob sided influence. This does not mean that both sides are strong or similar in the same ways. Both sides can be different and give in different ways. That is part of the beauty of gender roles and differences. However, ideally, both sides roughly have about the same to offer overall. Such balance is essential. Charity is fine to give to others, but I recommend you search for more balanced, even giving both directions in a committed relationship. I wish you well in your dating and relationship journey. Keep working and searching. Some day it will happen. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-06-05 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).