by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Question:
From your experience as a therapist for the church, what are the top 3 reasons for divorce? And what can singles do now to prepare for marriage that can eliminate/decrease those elements in future relationships?
Answer:
Yes, good question. I have worked with LDS couples in therapy for 20 years, including 5 years at LDS Family Services. Thinking about it, I'd say the following are the top 3 reasons for divorce in the church that I have seen again and again:
1) Distance over time from marital neglect (her overly with the kids/other interests, him overly working in his career, both juggling big church duties).
2) Emotional frustration for gendered reasons: her not feeling listened to/#1 priority, him upset about a neglected sex life).
3) Poor communication/conflict resolution skills: one side yells, the other side shuts down, mutual resentment builds.
Some combination of these 3 issues seems to run through most LDS divorces coming through my office. So what do I suggest to help prevent these problems? Many things beyond the limited scope of this response. But here are a few ideas:
1) Develop and maintain regular quality time together with your significant other in spite of all of the endless distractions, responsibilities, and duties that exist. Before you have that special person in your life, at least spend regular time learning about and searching for a good future relationship (see books and other ideas below).
2) Both sides learning about the other gender and nurturing the other's primary needs accordingly. A decent book to start: the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray.
3) To help versus conflict and communication issues, learn how to assertively open up, listen, and resolve conflict. Three possible books to help with this:
Your Perfect Right by Alberti (to open up), Tongue Fu by Horn (to learn to listen and respond well) and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie (general people/conversation skills).
Beyond these ideas, I suggest the Relate Questionnaire from BYU that couples can take together and gets premarital insights into potential areas of challenge together (www.relateinstitute.com). If single, take the Ready questionnaire. In addition, listening to hypnosis to strengthen some of your personal or relational areas of concern can be helpful. A great site with quality, affordable hypnosis sessions with a huge selection is available at www.hypnosisdownloads.com.
Also for everone, I strongly recommend you read Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman. Excellent book showing research based warning signs of divorce, as well positive traits to emphasize to divorce proof your relationship. Finally, premarital counseling with a qualified therapist is also a good idea, as well as consults with your bishop. If anyone needs any further ideas, you can ask here or pm me. Good luck everyone. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
| 2017-09-30 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).