by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Question:
I just discovered I'm in love.. and dating a guy that is ASPIE.. Intelligent (Boeing Engineer) BYU GRAD.. 53 yr old never married no kids.. I begun to suspect it in Feb of 2016.. he hides it really well.. he's fun and articulate. (I'm a librarian and most men simply aren't smart enough and I'm starved intellectually). So he's been dropping hints for more than a year but...he's never come out with it. I entered therapy in March for nothing to do with him. I wanted a whole heart after a bad marriage and to prepare for the future. Being in therapy has given me a whole new set of words thoughts and understanding. I think he really wants this which is why he hasn't come clean. I might be the one girl that CAN actual know and choose to do this anyway.
So I met this great guy at a church dance nearly 18 months ago. We have dated a few times. All the women said "oh he's a GREAT catch but he's a commitment phobe and you're going to get your heart broke. Well me being me I thought, "nope I am the exception". Why do women do think this? 18 months later and I can now say he's NOT a commitment phobe. He's an Aspies (Asperger's Disorder). So now the question is, can I do it? Should I do it? What things should I be concerned about? What questions should I ask for honest answers too? He's a great one in a million match for me, things are still slowly, moving forward. But he really is trying. He's been dropping hints for over a year and I FINALLY get it. I plan to sit down face to face and talk this through. How do I start? Where are the lines I should and should not cross? How do we talk about what his limitations might be, sex, touching, intimacy? How do I know what a relationship, even a marriage would look like from the INSIDE. Isn't that important in deciding can I want to do this? I know eat an elephant one bite at a time. I am asking maybe for 10 answers here, under consideration or the same topic.
He told me in Feb 2016 he was taking time off. I didn't know what that meant.. and he disappeared for 5 months. But at the end of that talk he said, "what if I can't give you what you need?"....under his breath, but I heard him. Now I understand what he likely meant. I truly believe he REALLY wants this and finds me someone he really wants. The chemistry is nuts, yet we haven't even kissed. The question becomes HOW...how do you decide if you can or should marry.
Thank you.
Answer:
The truth is, he may not be equipped for a committed relationship. However, I am not suggesting giving up. Here are a few suggestions:
1) Let him know your true feelings. Just tell him how you feel, what you would like to have happen together, and what the next step is in your opinion. Just put it out there. If he breaks from you and distances again, that confirms he may not up for all of this and to move on.
2) Conversely, if he shares your feelings and desires to be together as well, take the "Relate" questionnaire together from BYU. (www.relateinstitute.com). That will criss-cross answers and highlight strengths and potential areas of challenge for the two of you to address (to have the best chance possible for success together).
3) Go to some relationship counseling with an experienced licensed marriage & family therapist to address the areas of concern you already have with him, any of his concerns, and the concerns highlighted by the questionnaire.
4) Read a great research based book on marriage together to further educate yourselves and iron out potential areas of concern: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman (not an LDS author, but quoted frequently in the Ensign over the years).
Do all of that and either he will be scared off and you have your answer that he was not up for such a committed relationship, or he will work with you with the 4 ideas and you and he move on with your lives together. Good luck and remember: "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
| 2017-09-18 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).