by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Today, access to pornographic material is as easy as turning on your internet carrying device and pushing a few key strokes. And then immediately you have access to millions and millions of pornographic sites all over the world. In our LDS church, men are in many was especially susceptible to pornography, as more severe sexual outlets involving live person to person interaction outside of marriage will lead to higher punishments of disfellowship or even excommunication. And even though current various research show that women are looking at pornography more than ever, as a psychologist I go by what I personally see in my psychotherapy office. And what I see is that amongst my male LDS client population, pornography habits and addictions are much, much more prevalent with men than with women.
Why Do Men Struggle With Pornography?
There is an old saying: "men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love with their ears". The male sexual response cycle is much more linked to visual stimulation than women, and so comparatively men become drawn to pornography more often and for longer periods of time than do women. If you combine the greater male visual orientation with the common male challenges of communicating with and connecting with live women in the real world ("emotional intimacy"), pornography can become an easy, convenient alternative. It's always there whenever he wants it, as soon as he wants it. He doesn't have to fear saying or doing the wrong thing. He can have his cheap thrill, turn off his computer, and be done when he is ready to be done. Real life women, on the other hand, require lots of continual commitment and interaction. In short, pornography becomes a quick, easy alternative to the challenges of a woman in real life, especially for single men struggling even to meet women in the first place, let alone date and marry.
Pornography in Marriage
Unfortunately, just because a man gets married to a woman--even in the temple--that does not insure that he will stay away from pornography in his marriage. Periodic marital conflict, arguments, distance, friction, and being told no often when initiating physical intimacy can often lead a man to turn to the ease and convenience of pornography. Pornography won't argue back, complain, or say no. Pornography also shows unrealistically attractive and willing women who really seem to be enjoying what is going on on the screen. This distortion can lead a husband to wonder: "why isn't my wife into it like those women on the screen? How am I so unlucky to be with someone so not into sex like I am?" In other words, a man often gets a distorted, exaggerated idea of unrealistic expectations of what their "sex life" should be like together, and feels his own marriage falls woefully short compared to the online examples. Hence pornography can become more and more of an attractive, yet devastating temptation and outlet.
The Damage From Pornography:
I could write a great many things in this section, based upon what I have seen in my psychotherapy office. In short, the main damage I see in my therapy sessions when pornography gets in the middle of a relationship is great and I could go on and on. I will simply mention a few of the main problems I have seen and encountered in this area.
Marriages where the husband struggles with pornography tend to have difficulties in a number of important areas in the relationship. These troubles include emotional and physical intimacy problems, increased arguments and hurt feelings, loss of the Spirit in the household, trust and honesty problems, and decreased self esteem (in both the husband and the wife). Husbands struggle with guilt and same, wives struggle with trust issues, fear, and feelings of inadequacy.
Final Thoughts:
This brief introduction of the pornography as a problem with men (and marriages) will be continued next week with an article on ways for husbands and wives to combat this problem. The first step in dealing with such problems is the admit that a problem exists. From there we'll look at some options on what can be done about the issue. Don't be discouraged. There are resources. There is help. Of course the Lord would provide help for this challenge, and it can be overcome. Because, in appropriate ways, "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-05-15 | Randy Gilchrist | Understanding men, Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).