by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Research and clinical experience show that children of highly troubled marriages--whether or not they stayed together or eventually divorced--are at a notably higher risk of future relationship problems themselves. Marital problems often leading to role modeling challenges include divorce, communication problems, conflict resolution issues, gender attitudes, disrespect, verbal or physical abuse, etc. When these kinds of role modeled behaviors are shown for 18+ years to children growing up, it makes sense that adults from such backgrounds often eventually repeat such bad outcomes themselves. Simply put, we tend to repeat what we know and what we've seen, so this makes sense. However, the good news is that such backgrounds, although challenging, don't have the lead to a repeat of history. You can still have a happy, healthy marriage. You can break the cycles and patterns. You can have a happy, healthy marriage in spite on your upbringing.
Studying Healthy Marriages:
Marriage & family therapists sometimes refer to marital problems repeating generation after generation as "intergenerational transmission of dysfunction". To break this cycle, a good place to start is to study. Study and learn about what healthy marriages and healthy relationships are all about in general. Look to new, different, better ideas of the relationship you'd like yourself as you reject and refuse to repeat having the kind of marriage your parents had.
Finding New Role Models
First, look to other married couples beyond your parents that seem to be basically happy, healthy, and functional. How to they talk to each other? How do they treat each other? Ask them questions. Take notes. The best people to look to for how to have a happy marriage are those who are actually living that lifestyle, ideally for at least 10+ years. They are actually living the dream. Look to them and look to incorporate as many of their same strengths as possible.
Self Help Materials
Another way to learn about healthy relationships is to regularly read, listen to, or watch books, audio, or video on the subject. Ideally, look to materials from known, reputable relationship experts with graduate degrees in related subjects: psychology, marriage & family therapy, and other related social sciences. Some popular relationship experts that many people have found value with include the following: John Gottman, John Gray, Deborah Tannen, Stephen Covey, Dale Carnegie, Sam (Samantha) Horn, and others. Take notes on the most useful suggestions and recommendations and look to incorporate these ideas into your future or current relationship. In short, become a committed student of healthy relationships.
Assessment Questionnaires
Take some high quality questionnaires to give you insight and direction of as many current and future potential areas of need and conflict that may need addressing in your future or current relationship. As needed, address these issues and concerns with your bishop and/or with a qualified, licensed psychotherapist in counseling.
There are many decent quality tools out there that you can get online or through licensed clinical psychologists. As LDS members, the main assessment questionnaires that I would recommend are those created by Brigham Young University. The original marriage preparation questionnaire from BYU was called the "Prep M Inventory" and has been validated and refined over 30 years of use and study. Now currently, BYU has split this questionnaire into 2 questionnaires, which are both available to take online (see www.relateinstitute.com).
One questionnaire for those who are single is called "Ready". The Ready questionnaire will give you a good deal of information about the possible strengths and challenges you might bring to a future relationship, along with areas of potential concern to address and work on. A second questionnaire from BYU is for those who are already in a relationship called "Relate". This questionnaire is very similar to the Ready questionnaire, except that the answers and results of the Relate questionnaire are criss-crossed and compared together with both partners in the relationship, assessing strengths and noting areas of potential and probable concern to work on addressing and improving.
Closing Thoughts
Again, in spite of whatever marriage your parents had, you can have the healthy, happy marriage you wish for. Follow the ideas in this article to learn about and live the better relationship you didn't see or experience growing up. You can do it. Look to spiritual resources for help as well: scriptures, prayer, conference talks, quality LDS relationships books, temple visits, discussions with your bishop, etc. The Lord will help you be successful. You can do it, because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-09-01 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation, Psychological health |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).