by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Physical "chemistry" in a relationship sense can be loosely thought of as "spark", "connection", "butterflies", "infatuation", "physical attraction", "hormones", "clicking together", and so on. I am regularly asked how important I think chemistry is in a dating and married relationship. The answer to the question is both simple and complex at the same time.
Simply put, physical chemistry is very important, yet still just one part of what is needed together to make a relationship work. Other factors matter in relationships as well, such as conversation/communication skills, conflict resolution, listening skills, caring, consideration, empathy, education, spirituality, family background, similar interests, career/money management, parenting style, and so on. From what I have seen as a psychotherapist, the problems come with the extreme opinions on the subject: concluding that physical chemistry matters too much or too little.
When someone overly emphasizes physical chemistry, other important areas of life essential to a successful relationship can be ignored or minimized, which usually comes back later to haunt. On the other hand, when the importance of physical chemistry is minimized or even determined to not matter, relationships can often overly feel like just "friends" and a "brother/sister" situation, which is a different problem as well. An intimate/sexual relationship is important agent to bond and to stay bonded together in a marriage.
President Spencer W. Kimball has said, “We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experience between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children.” (Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4.) Furthermore, Elder Spencer J. Condie adds to that quote, "In essence, physical intimacy within the proper bonds of marriage can and should become a spiritually bonding force within marriage." (Ensign, July 1986). So, sexual intimacy in marriage is important because not only as an avenue of procreation, but as a powerful agent to regularly reconnect and strengthen marriages. So, when physical attraction is lacking in a marriage, so naturally too will the role of sexual intimacy as well. In short, the marriage will suffer without this regular bonding and connection.
How Do You Know If You Have Chemistry in a Relationship?
The short answer to "do I have chemistry in this relationship" is that if you have to ask and aren't sure, you likely do not have it (or it's lacking). Chemistry is basically attraction, mainly physical attraction. So ask yourself: when you see this person, do you get excited? Nervous? Butterflies? Do you find yourself thinking about them when you are away from them? Is this a person you could imagine yourself wanting to kiss at some point? Do you feel energy when you are around them? Do you miss them when you are away from them? Do you even feel somewhat obsessed by them, thinking of them often, longing to be with them? If the answer is a solid or even resounding yes, you have physical chemistry with a particular person. If you do not notice any of these feelings or they are very minimal, you more likely just see this person as a friend and probably need to keep looking for another to be in a relationship with.
True chemistry is usually apparent immediately or pretty quickly, and only grows more when interacting and spending more time together. It is important that the man or woman you marry someday be a person you feel notable physical chemistry with. As Christ famously said, "Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Matthew 19:4-6). Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-06-14 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).