by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
One of the most limiting and self defeating challenges in the dating world is anxiety: fears, phobias, paranoia, insecurity, worries, "what ifs", etc. Dating anxiety often results from previous relationship wounds. Maybe you grew up in a highly contentious home. Maybe your parents divorced and/or had a highly conflicted relationship. Perhaps previous dating partners (or an ex spouse) hurt you and let you down. You might also be a "natural worrier" or "high strung". Whatever your reasons and background, all of it together can lead to dating anxiety. Being careful and thoughtful about your dating decisions is smart. Being over conscientious about dating to the point of excessive anxiety, avoidance, and/or relationship sabotage is unhealthy and will keep you single.
Anxiety, as defined by the Oxford dictionary, is "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome". At the highest levels, anxiety symptoms can even turn into panic symptoms, such as 1) racing heart, 2) feeling weak, faint, or dizzy, 3) tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers, 4) sense of terror, or impending doom or death, 5) feeling sweaty or having chills, chest pains, breathing difficulties, and/or 6) a feeling a loss of control. Anxiety is truly a miserable feeling and experience. It's no wonder that when you feel anxious or even panicky about putting yourself out again into the dating world, you chances for success lower and your experience is less enjoyable or even miserable.
So, if you experience dating anxiety, what should you do? My short answer to that question is, work on it. Attack it by regularly doing strategic things to lessen your anxiety. This includes work in 3 areas: 1) learning and practicing thinking better/differently about dating, 2) doing things to calm and relax yourself, and 3) getting some spiritual support and help. Accordingly, here are some ideas on how to follow all three suggestions:
Thinking Differently
First, to learn how to think differently about yourself and your dating life, start by thinking about your thinking, something we call in psychology, "metacognition". What does your self-talk sound like? What running commentary goes through your mind about yourself, your dating prospects, and your chances for success? The more negativity, self-doubt, and general pessimism you have towards yourself, others, and dating in general, the more you will avoid or sabotage any chance of dating success. Catch yourself. Challenge and change what you tell yourself. Write out positive things about yourself and how/why you will make a great future spouse. Don't worry about being arrogant. It's not a list about being better than others, just a list of positive things you bring to the table dating-wise.
Another idea to help yourself think differently about dating and dating success is to always be learning about men, women and relationships. If you don't have time to read, just download and listen to audio books. I suggest any relational books that sound interesting to you by John Gottman, John Gray, and Deborah Tannen. Look them up on www.amazon.com. Read descriptions and reviews. Your confidence in your dating abilities will increase as you feel more intelligent and equipped in your relationship and gender knowledge. Final suggestion here: get hypnosis from a qualified, trained hypnosis expert. Very helpful.
Doing Something About It
Second, there are many behavioral things you can do to calm and ease your anxieties. You can exercise regularly. You can do classic relaxation exercises, such as deep abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation. Getting out of the house and hanging out with groups or going to singles activities is a good idea as well. Be busy, drain your energy, and give yourself some good, healthy distractions. Part of what fuels anxiety is too much time to sit and think, especially if you are hanging out alone at your house. The mind has the ability to wander into some dark places if we allow it to. Staying busy lessens that.
In addition, you can also regularly attend psychotherapy with a quality professional and/or be working on any number of useful anxiety management workbooks. If you wish to choose the self-help route, here are some decent workbooks I recommend:
--The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne
--The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns
--The Anxiety and Worry Workbook by David Clark and Aaron Beck
--The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety by William Knaus and Jon Carlson
Getting Spiritual Help
Last but not least, spiritual help is always a good idea when trying to overcome dating anxiety. If you have any unresolved issues and/or just need some support
and encouragement, please talk to your bishop. Pray for help and assistance regularly with this particular problem of dating anxiety. Pray for strength, courage, and confidence to act and succeed. Go to www.deseretbook.com and search for church related dating and relational books, including spiritual healing. Read scriptures and conference talks reminding yourself of the power of prayer and how to Lord wants to help you succeed with dating and marriage. To help you get started, I suggest reading all of the following scriptures to help get you going: Isaiah 49: 13-16; Nephi 3:7; Matthew 7: 7-11; 11:28-30; D & C 18:18; 46:30; and 88:63-64. You will already start to feel better if you read these scriptures. I promise.
Go forward strong and with faith. Know that others have successfully overcome these issues and found happiness in dating and marriage. It can be done. Persistently work on these things. Choose success. You can do it and you will. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-04-19 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).