by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
As stated in my last article, "to be overly needy or clingy in a relationship is to be overly insecure and desirous of continual reassurance of one's acceptance and desirability". If you have determined you struggle with being needy or clingy and would like to change, I will offer a few ideas here to help you improve.
Suggestion 1: Balanced Giving in Relationships
If you are giving and trying far more from your end than your partner is, this is an imbalance and will have you coming across as needy and clingy as time goes on. To help correct and even out imbalanced giving and efforts in a relationship, you can practice the following:
1) Make a nice, positive effort towards in the other in the relationship. Examples could include taking them to dinner, doing a task or duty for them, buying them a gift, etc.
2) Step back and allow your partner to respond. Observe how strongly they make an effort.
3) Match their efforts about 50%-50%, trying not to work any harder than the other for a while. How long is arbitrary and depends on how you feel and how the relationship is progressing.
4) If the other is giving little to no notable efforts in return to yours and you match that back in return, perhaps the other person isn't much of a giver and the relationship will dwindle and deteriorate to nothing. If that is the case, I recommend letting the relationship go. They are much more into taking than giving, and may be showing themselves as selfish, lazy, even narcissistic (or at least, are showing they are far less interested in you than you are with them). If on the other hand the other gives strongly in return to your efforts and you keep matching those efforts back, you could have a keeper.
5) Periodically give even more than the other person and then repeat steps 1-4 as long you the other is making strong, consistent, notable efforts.
Suggestion 2: Improve Your Relationship with Yourself
The stronger you build a relationship with yourself, the more confident, secure, and patient you can be with those you date. Several ways you can build your relationship with yourself include the following:
1) Stop criticizing yourself. Stop putting yourself down globally. Stop calling yourself names or putting yourself down as a person. It acts as a poor motivator for change and hurts your esteem. Criticizing yourself drains your confidence, energy, and drive to work to change and improve.
2) Stop imagining worst case scenarios. Find better things to focus on and imagine as soon as you have your basic plan to deal with "what if…", which usually doesn't take very long to come up with. Practicing putting more positive visuals of a favorite place or activity in your mind and focus on that instead.
3) Be gentle and kind and patient with yourself as you practice better ways of treating yourself. If you wouldn't talk a certain way to a best friend or person you love, don't talk to yourself that way either. Treat yourself like you would someone you really love.
4) Praise yourself. Give yourself positives when you do something well or right. Praising yourself does the opposite of criticism: it acts as a positive motivator for improvement and boosts your confidence, energy, and drive to change.
5) Reach out to others as needed. When you need help, support, or assistance, ask trusted others to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.
6) Take care of your body. Develop a lifestyle consisting of healthy eating, sleeping, and exercise. Maintain a healthy moderate weight. Treat your body like a temple and a well oiled machine. When you feel good physically, it's easier to feel better psychologically and emotionally.
7) Intensify your praise of yourself. Tell yourself positive, true things in the mirror, in writing (such as a journal), or in an audio or video recording. Such efforts will help the positives you tell yourself to resonate more and make a more striking, lasting impression.
8) Treat yourself well now. Don't wait until you get the next new relationship, you lose the weight, or get the new job. Treat yourself well now because otherwise there could always be a reason to not do so.
Suggestion 3: Improve Your Relationship with The Lord
You increase and develop your relationship with the Lord through prayer, and then by keeping the commandments well enough to continue to receive spiritual support and the feel the influence of the Spirit. An excellent book to help you in your spiritual journey, besides the scriptures of course, is the classic book Drawing on the Powers of Heaven by Grant Von Harrison. I recommend it. Pray for the Spirit, pray for direction, and pray for the blessings you desire in your life, including help with your relationship success.
Suggestion 4: Study and Apply
There are many decent articles available to read with suggestions on overcoming neediness and clinginess that you can research and review. Here are a couple of articles with some good suggestions to give you a start (these links were good at least as of the writing of this article--if they don't work Google some others to check out):
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/kristindavin/are-you-emotionally-needy-your-relationship
http://www.lovepanky.com/women/attracting-and-dating-men/clingy-girlfriend-signs-and-how-to-avoid-it
Final Thought
Men and women need each other, but such interdependency needs to be roughly even and balanced, and in moderation as well. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
| 2017-08-12 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).