by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Most couples fight about money. Paul says in the scriptures that the “love of money is the root of all evil” (I Timothy 6:10). And yet, goods and services cost money and there is no getting around the need to deal with money and money issues. Research and clinical practice have shown that usually (but not every time) women complain that their husbands don’t earn enough and husbands complain that their wives spend too much. Usually 1 spouse (either gender) is the more conscientious one who tracks the money and is careful with the spending, and the other spouse is more the carefree spender. One side feel resentment and even can get panicky when the other spends so much, and the other often feels resentment that they are being controlled. In short, money issues are a hot button issue for couples and the cause of much strive, even divorce.
Suggestions
Suggestion 1: When dating and getting to know a person, learn about their approach to money. What kind of financial background did the other come from? Struggling? Middle class? Wealthy? Did they spend a lot impulsively or were they careful with their money? Budgeting? What kinds of wisdom and direction did they give their child on the subject (if any)? Also, through discussion and observation, notice what kinds of attitudes and approaches to money your dating partner has. Remember initially that you are just learning about them. If you find out something in this area that is alarming or concerning, just take a mental note. It is not your job to fix them or give them unsolicited advice.
Suggestion 2: If your approaches to money are extremely different, try talking it out with them. Can a middle ground be reached? Is your and the other person’s approach to money at least close enough that you can work with each other? If it is very far apart, can you brainstorm compromises and an approach you could live with theoretically on the money subject? Consider writing out each other’s approach on paper, read it out loud, and see if the two approaches sound like they could gel. If not, and if subsequent conversations keep reaching an impasse or even high levels of contention, this might be a sign that you may need to break up with this person.
Suggestion 3: If you are really connecting and see a future together, consider taking a financial course together or reading a book together. Research local community resources for classes in your area on budgeting, finances, and money. Also, the church has a decent pamphlet on the subject with some ideas that you can look up and read called “One For The Money” by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (see: https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33293_eng.pdf). Another solid book on the subject is called Rich on Any Income by James Christensen (see: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CUOEQT0/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1).
Final Thoughts
Finances can be a touchy issue and potentially lead to many arguments, frustration, power struggles, and resentment. Remember when discussing these issues that you and the other person are on the same team. You want the same general things and you are trying to work together. Do not treat each other like enemies. Maintain a spirit of understanding, consideration, empathy, and compromise in all money discussions. Write down good ideas and have regular or at least semi-regular budget and finance discussions. Talk to each other on this subject the same way you would wish the other would talk to you (Matthew 7:12). Even though different personalities and genders see and approach money, spending, and budgeting differently, ideally and hopefully you can work it out and not allow this issue to divide you. Navigating finances is not an area you can ignore and neglect if you are to survive. You can and need to work this out. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
INFO FOR READERS--
*To submit a question for a future Q & A column or to request a possible future article subject, contact me at drgilchrist@yahoo.com.
**Do you struggle with pornography or another addictive tendency? Do you struggle with eating issues or want to lose weight? Anxiety issues? Other issues, challenges, or problems? Consider my special custom hypnosis recording service for fellow LDS members only, available worldwide by online delivery. A powerful, effective, convenient tool for change. Learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds or email me questions at drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Completely private and confidential.
| 2018-02-09 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships, Finance |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).