by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Back in 1994 at Brigham Young University, I did what most students did at that place at that time: take a marriage preparation course. I don't remember much from that course except for a particular section regarding expecting mind reading in relationships, and what a problem this can lead to. According to my professor and the text book, there is a common, troublesome phenomenon known as the "tender telepathy myth" that exists in dating and married relationships. This is a tendency that is overwhelmingly done by women (not all women, some women), and a small portion of men are guilty of the same thing.
Here are the assumptions of the tender telepathy myth, usually from a woman's perspective:
1) If a man cares about me and loves me, he will therefore instinctively know my wants, needs, and feelings naturally and automatically, and tend to them accordingly.
2) Therefore, a man should attend to my wants, needs, and feelings without having to be formally asked or told to do so. Because, of course, if he already instinctively knows these things, why would he need to be asked or told?
3) If a man then doesn't naturally notice and attend to my wants, needs, and feelings, then he doesn't care about me and doesn't love me.
4) If I have to ask or tell him to attend to my wants, needs, and feelings, his efforts to fulfill them don't count, because I shouldn't have had to tell him to do so in the first place. He was just being difficult and resistant.
5) Overall, anything short of a man noticing and attending to my wants, needs, and feelings fairly quickly and without having to be told is evidence that he doesn't care and doesn't love me.
When a man is confronted by a girlfriend or wife engaging in the tender telepathy myth, he will rarely understand that these 5 underlying dynamics and assumptions are going on. He will usually be frustrated that he is expected to know what she wants without explanation and think she is just "giving him a hard time" or is "just playing games". Especially frustrating and confusing to him is his common thought that "if she wants ____, why won't she just ask me or tell me that? I'd gladly do it for her." Without an understanding that the 5 assumptions of the myth are taking place, he's frustrated, while she doesn't feel cared about. Many hurt feelings, conflicts, arguments, and even relationship break ups can be traced to elements of this tendency.
Origin of The Tender Telepathy Myth
So, where does the tender telepathy myth come from? There are 2 theories: 1) The media. Hollywood has produced many, many "romantic" TV shows and movies over the years where the man magically comes to a place of evolution and deciding he loves a woman. He then approaches her, gives her what she wants/needs most without her having to explain it, and they ride off in the sunset together, happily ever after. Such social conditioning sends a powerful message that men should just know and attend to these needs the same way. And when he doesn't, she is let down and questions him and his feelings.
A second theory of the origin of the tender telepathy myth relates to gender differences. Research shows that on average, woman tend to pick up non verbal cues much better than men do. Therefore it follows that women communicating with other women don't necessarily have to spell out everything with detailed, comprehensive explanation. Beyond partial verbal explanations, women also pick up and become attuned to interpreting non verbal cues with both other women and eventually with men as well: body language, tone of voice, facial expression, and other communication nuance. Therefore, women will often be confused and frustrated, not understanding that usually men usually haven't cultivated the same knack for non verbal cues and nuance that women have. Instead, assumptions are often made that his lack of ability in this arena shows he and/or the relationship has a problem. Conflict, contention, and mutual frustration often follow.
The Solution
There are two useful suggestions to help combat the telepathy myth. First, both men and women can study and learn about this and other common gender differences to increase mutual understanding and give ideas for to minimize and eradicate conflict from such differences. Two helpful authors promoting gender difference understanding include John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and Deborah Tannen (You Just Don't Understand! and That's Not What I Meant!).
A second suggestion is open, increased communication from both sides. Women can learn open, clear, assertive communication skills to help men understand their needs and give them a chance to attend to these needs without assumption. A good book to help with this is: The Assertive Woman by Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin. Men can also understand how to assertively ask what a woman needs and respond better to her frustrations that might follow with some better listening and responding skills. Two good resources for this skill development are the books Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, as well as Tongue Fu by Sam Horn.
Learning about and making adjustments according to gender differences is very helpful, important and recommended. And you can do it. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-07-10 | Randy Gilchrist | Understanding men, Understanding women, Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation, Communication, Psychological health |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).