by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
What makes for a good selection in a mate and eternal spouse? Is it someone that you feel an enormously infatuated with? Someone you think about all day long and can't stand being without? Someone that excites and stimulates you? Someone that gives goosebumps and a fastly beating heart? Someone that entices you to be physically affectionate with? Perhaps someone who is very fun, exciting, and stimulating? Well, all of those feelings and attributes are fine and have their place, when kept within proper bounds. However, these feelings alone are very inadequate to make for a lasting, hopefully eternal marriage. Paul famously stated
"…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). But if man and woman are meant to be together forever, are these excited, even hormonal feelings the main force that keeps us together?
Hormones and Excitement Calm Down
I remember when I was young, someone told me that if you were to put a penny in a jar every time you have sex (or the softer way we usually say it in church circles, share "physical intimacy") during the first year of marriage, and then you were to take a penny out of the jar every time you did it after that the rest of your lives together, you'd break about even. Now, I don't think that's true, but it does underscore a real point: that the excitement and hormones that help to physically push us together and play an important role in keeping us together are not alone enough to do so over time.
Simply put, the excitement and hormones calm down. We get used to each other. The effect dulls and softens over time. We also get older. When individuals in a marriage primarily relied upon initial excitement to find their spouse and this excitement lessens naturally, such people become increasingly bored, distant, and disgruntled in their marriage. Emotional and physical distance often result. Other effects may include increased arguments and friction. Overall marital dissatisfaction, dysfunction, and unhappiness follow until eventually, there is no marriage anymore. So, what is the solution? How can you prevent this from happening?
Friendship as a Basis for the Marriage
A friend is defined by the Webster Dictionary as "One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society and welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant." Friends truly care for and support each other. Friends truly like and love each other. They get along and enjoy spending time together. Friends effectively work out differences, resolve conflict, and compromise. Friends are basically civil, respectful, and decent towards each other. Friends enjoy talking and listening to each other. There is a warm, comfortable, secure feeling among friends. A basic feeling of acceptance allows for the security that each friend doesn't have to be perfect. Shortcomings and quirks will be worked with. Friends enjoy basically similar worldviews and possess complimentary personality traits that mesh well together.
When such attributes of friendship are the basis and foundation for a relationship, marriages are much more strong, stable, lasting, and even eternal. The physical affection then becomes a bonus and "icing on the cake", versus the cake itself. Therefore, I recommend looking for and marrying your best friend that you especially like and get along with, and who you also love and are physically attracted to. Friendship is often underrated in a marriage but ends up being essential, perhaps the most important thing. Look for a best friend first, someone you are strongly attracted to second. Remember, looks and excitement fades, but friends are forever. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). I can't imagine being with anyone forever that was not your best friend. Please, choose accordingly.
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-03-19 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation, Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).