Listening. In relationships, complaints of poor listening are common, but explanations of what really makes for good listening is much more rare. It's almost as if good listening skills were "so obvious", there should be no need for further clarification of what that actually looks and sounds like. From my experience in the therapy office, both men and women complain that the other doesn't listen. However, the complaint seems to come from wives and girlfriends about their guy much more often--maybe 8/10 times on average. Perhaps we men didn't grow up with a male role model that demonstrated good listening to a woman. Perhaps we guys are still in denial of the importance of quality listening in a relationship. Maybe we just don't feel like doing it. Maybe we think we are better at it than we are. In any event, here are some good listening skills for both men and women to practice that will demonstrate that you are indeed giving high quality, attentive, validating listening. Follow these ideas to boost your dating appeal, your dating success, and eventually make for a much happier, healthier future marriage. Ignore these ideals at your own peril.
1) Give good eye contact and minimize distractions. Good eye contact is one of the best ways to show good listening. It shows you are in fact paying attention. Looking away at your phone, TV, computer, or even at the ground shows that not only are you not paying attention, but that you don't care and aren't interested. Along with good eye contact, put away the others distractions. Put away the phone. Turn off the computer. Pause or turn off the TV. Close the door. Go into the other room away from others as needed. Whatever it takes.
2) Maintain open, attentive, non threatening body language and facial expressions. If you look closed, angry, irritated, or otherwise negative in your face or body, the message is clearly being given that you aren't listening to understand, but rather to oppose or resist. Stop crossing your arms and keep them open. Soften your facial expression and keep it interested and attentive. Maintain good posture but don't intimidate. Don't flail your arms or make menacing gestures in an exasperated way. Be aware of yourself, and adjust yourself accordingly.
3) Ask follow up questions. Asking questions, when done in an interested, respectful manner, show you are interested and are really trying to get where the other person is coming from. Examples of good follow up questions could include, "really, how is that?" Or "why do you think so?" Or, "what do you think you'll do?" Ask in a curious, interested, non threatening, patient manner.
4) Keep a tone of voice that demonstrates good listening. Good adjectives demonstrating the tone goal during active listening and responding include sounding genuine, soft, civil, respectful, caring, concerned, interested, collaborative, accepting, agreeable, patient, and so on. The most important two: patient and interested. Conversely, tones of voice that do not demonstrate good listening include sounding angry, irritated, bored, disinterested, impatient, disingenuous, loud, disrespectful, hurtful, oppositional, etc. Practice talking into an audio recorder and listen to yourself. Work to sound like a good listener. Add a mirror or video recorder to be aware of your face and body as well.
5) Listen actively with validation, empathy, and appropriate agreement. Listen to understand rather than to oppose. Offer regular validation and empathy that you can and do get why they feel how they feel (without saying the word "but" afterwards, which invalidates what you just said). Agree where you can agree. Sound collaborative and look for common ground. Don't just sit there completely quietly when they talk. Offer "uh huhs, OKs, mmm hmms, yeps, yes, I agree", and so on along the way. This is called "tracking". In short, actively listen in the most positive, supportive way you can.
6) Stay in the listener's role and don't interrupt. Let the other have their say. Stay listening until they feel listened to (as long as they are talking to you in a minimally civil and respectful manner). After they feel heard, understood, and validated, you can then be in a much better position to A) ask to give your side/your opinion and then give it if they are open to it, B) bring it up later at a better time when they are more open, or C) don't bring up your opposing points at all (when it really doesn't seem important enough of a feeling or issue). In any event, let them feel listened to first. A wise proverb: first seek to understand, then seek to be understood.
Listen to your date, your boy/girlfriend, your spouse. Show you care and are interested. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
| 2016-01-29 | Randy Gilchrist | Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).