In previous articles I have discussed sex life related topics for single members as an effort to help everyone in preparation for their future marriage. Why? Because sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction is a common, damaging problem and challenge among married couples in the church. I have discussed the common topic and challenge of sexual hangups (https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/sexual-hangups-in-marriage-182/), sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction in marriage (https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/sexual-dysfunction-in-marriage-40/), and a general two-part review of sex lives in general as well (https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/sex-lives-in-marriage-28/ and https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/sex-lives-in-marriage-part-2-29/). Feel free to read all of these articles too at a later time.
I wanted to now add this article here to the collection that reviews a number of common causes of libido problems among men and women. When one spouse has notable libido problems, friction, frustration, and resentment will commonly follow. When both sides have libido problems, the marriage suffers from this important bonding activity being rare or even going missing in the marriage. Distance commonly follows and perhaps eventually, the entire relationship can be lost. A healthy sex life is very important in marriage. Therefore, when libido problems exist in a marriage, it is important to communicate about this and find effective solutions to overcome this problem.
Common Libido Problems for Both Men and Women:
Either men or women can suffer lowered libido from any of these common issues and challenges:
A) Stress—the pressures, expectations, obligations, and responsibilities of family life can take a toll. Common life stressors include career, children, church duties, bills, and any number of other things to take care of in life. The more concerned about and worn-down spouses are from stress, the less in the mood they will tend to be.
Possible solutions: listening to a stress related hypnosis audio session, doing a relaxation workbook, or drinking some stress tea. Resources:
--Hypnosis: https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/stress-management
--The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by Davis, Eshelman, and McKay
--Organic Stress Ease Tea by Traditional Medicinals
B) Fatigue—having low energy levels. Often fatigue comes in conjunction with stress, but perhaps from depression, physical challenges, or other issues. The more tired a spouse is in general, the less in the mood they will be for sex and having and maintaining a regular sex life.
Possible solutions to combat fatigue include eating better, getting regular exercise, and developing a better sleep schedule. In addition, if the fatigue is connected to depression, address the depression with a licensed psychotherapist. Beware that many antidepressant medications and other medications in general may cause libido issues. Discuss this with your doctor. Look for possible alternative medications or nutritional supplements as an alternative when this is the case.
C) Hormones—when spouses have low or otherwise imbalanced sex related hormone levels (of testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, etc.), this may lower libido.
Possible solutions for hormonal issues include eating, sleeping, and exercise improvements, energizing supplements, certain hormone prescriptions, and/or possible bio-identical hormone replacement therapy.
D) Unresolved Marital Issues—if you are holding onto notable resentment towards the other spouse and/or there is some issue that still needs to be worked out between a couple, a lowered libido can result. “Make up sex” usually happens best only after the issues are talked out and decently resolved, rarely if ever before.
Possible solutions—talk it out, compromise, apologize, make amends. If needed, get a mediator and even a couples therapist when you cannot manage to work out the issues yourself first.
Common Additional Libido Problems for Men:
*Rejection—in most marriages (but not all), men are the ones who mainly initiate sex. So, if he is the main initiator and he is often rejected and told no when he tries to initiate, he may feel snake bitten and will lessen or even stop initiating sex altogether.
Possible solution: apart from the moments of sexual initiation, discuss the topic of your sex lives in a conversation. Find out what is in the way for her to enjoy it more often and to be more interested in general. Work to resolve those issues. Consider compromises you can try and both be OK with of when, where, and how often. Develop a better plan and system that will lead to more yeses, more often.
Common Additional Libido Problems for Women:
*Body Image—if the wife does not feel she is physically and/or sexually attractive, her libido often will go down and she will be more likely to avoid sex altogether. Body image issues for women (“body dysmorphia”) can originate from a variety of places such as the media, family background, previous hurtful comments or situations, etc. Sometimes men have this problem as well, but this is usually an issue wives predominantly struggle with.
Possible solutions: the wife can get psychotherapy help, possibly hypnosis. In addition, the husband can offer more regular compliments and reassurance of his attraction to her. A hypnosis session to help with body image can be found at: https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/clinical-hypnotherapy/body-dysmorphia.
*Past Sexual Trauma—if a woman has a history of being sexually abused or molested, she will often understandably struggle with libido, sexual performance, and sexual enjoyment.
Possible solutions: counseling with a qualified psychotherapist, EMDR (a type of hypnosis just for trauma victims), as well as possible hypnosis.
Final Thoughts:
In your future marriage, if you take your sex life seriously and work to have it as an important, regular part of your relationship together, your marriage will be greatly strengthened. You will be closer, more bonded, and experience more marital satisfaction in general. Use the ideas from this and the other articles to have the best sex life possible in your future marriage. Sex is important to marriage. And remember, “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:11.
Dr. G
P.S. If you can questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at drgilchrist@yahoo.com.
| 2020-08-31 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).