Jealousy--What to Do About It

Jealousy is defined in the Webster's Dictionary as either 1) an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has, or 2) an unhappy or angry feeling caused by the belief that someone you love (such as your dating partner or spouse) likes or is liked by someone else. In other words, feeling jealous is a form of desiring or coveting what someone else possesses, seems to possess, or might come to possess. In the dating world, jealousy can take many forms. You might feel jealous of your ex partner or spouse finding a new significant other first and perhaps finding happiness first. You might feel jealous of the attention others of the opposite sex are giving your love interest. Perhaps you feel jealous or your partner's ex spouse or ex boyfriend/girlfriend and the special time and experiences they shared together. Most commonly in the online and live dating world, jealousy commonly exists with whomever is acting as your prime dating competition: others of the opposite sex contacting, flirting with, communicating with, and otherwise showing interest in your love interest.

Jealousy is very prevalent, common, natural, and normal in the dating world. And it creates big problems for both the person feeling jealous, and for the other person as well. First of all, feeling jealousy feels pretty miserable--like a hot mix of hate, fear, insecurity, inferiority, admiration, envy, threat, and disdain all in one. For your partner/love interest, it causes problems as well. They may feel extra worried that they don't want you to assume the worst with their interactions with the opposite sex, so they might become resentful and "walk on eggshells" around you. They might tire of the need to avoid certain people or situations that might make you jealous or insecure. They might offer apologies and extra reassurances to you of their innocence. Together, jealous leads couples to often fight, argue, and sabotage jealousy laden relationships. In short, jealousy is miserable, dangerous, and harms your relationship enjoyment and prospects for long term success.

So, what do you do about jealousy? Step 1) assess whether or not you have a trustworthy dating partner/prospect. If you determine them to truly not be trustworthy, I suggest moving on and finding someone else who you can trust. For more information about assessing trustworthiness or your partner, please look up and read my previous article, "To Trust or Not to Trust". If you decide they are indeed trustworthy, move on to the next step. Step 2) assess whether or not they are really strongly interested in you. For more information on how to do this, please look up and read my 2 previous articles, "Green Light Signals" and "Nourishing Relationships". If you determine that they "aren't that into you", move on and find someone else who will be. Conversely, if you assess that they are both trustworthy and truly interested in you, move on to the next step.

Step 3 involves your own inner psychological battle to reassure yourself and overcome your jealousy and insecurity. The goal: regularly examine the conversation you have inside your head that is fueling the jealousy and then challenge those negative, self defeating thoughts. The plan: improve your subsequent self talk by repeating a number of positive esteem building confidence and security statements inside. Write out a list of these statements, add to it along the way, and regularly review your list. Some examples of positive statements could include: "I know he likes me", "I have nothing to worry about", "I know I can trust her", "I treat him well so he'll have a hard time finding that elsewhere", "I have nothing to worry about", "I know she likes me", "I have a lot to offer", etc.

The main idea is that staying jealous makes you feel miserable and leads to conflict and sabotage with your dating prospect/significant other. Control, lessen, and limit your feelings of jealousy. Take confidence in who you are, what you bring to the table, and the interest they have in you. If you are both trustworthy and into each other, you'll have nothing to fear in any other outside person threatening what you have. You are on the inside looking out, and the competition is on the outside looking in. Go forward with confidence and security. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Best wishes,
Dr. G

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About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).