by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Question:
I have a question Dr. Gilchrist: Is it possible to love someone who you haven't seen yet in person, but for the things he says over the phone and for the posts he does online?
Answer:
What a great question. Unfortunately, this is not a question that can easily be answered in a simple "yes" or "no" fashion. My short answer to this important question is, "kind of" and "to a degree", but not completely.
When we meet someone through online dating, we have all of the technological resources available besides face to face contact. We have their profile to read, a number of pictures to look at, unlimited email banter, and even phone calls and video chatting (such as through Skype). Before meeting face to face, words, voices, and images serve as the bonding agents. You can learn much about the other person, even spending many hours chatting. You can get a great feel for their personality, their background, and how well your and his/her life would mesh with yours. Still, there are essential elements of a loving couple that are not possible to fully develop through technology alone.
In the 1980s, Dr. Robert Sternberg came up with a useful research based psychological concept called the "triangle of love". According to his useful theory, there are many different kinds of love, most of which are limited and incomplete, even though they have desirable components. The total three components of love are "commitment" (lasting monogamy), "passion" (romance and spark), and "intimacy" (emotional connection and friendship), and all are essential for full love. All three of these components can be developed and worked on to a degree online. However, all three traits will ultimately demonstrate their true potential (or limits) when a couple is finally live and face to face to really find what's possible. Real life is that test, and our lives online are not real life. They are limited. Hence, a couple's ability to develop true intimacy, commitment, and passion will also be limited when live interactions don't exist.
Just talking online gives limited voice fluctuation (although phone calls help with that) or facial expressions (although video chatting can somewhat help with that
as well). But mainly when you are live, together, and face to face, you will best be able to get a feel for the physical chemistry together (or lack thereof). As Donkey says in the movie Shrek, "wake up and smell the pheromones!"
In addition, it is much easier to determine the true degree of sheer physical attraction when together face to face versus only seeing a picture or video image. Actual physical affection becomes possible as well, along with the subsequent spark from kissing, snuggling, and so on. In addition, being able to behaviorally date and go and do things together will also help determine a couple's ability to bond together and demonstrate joint interests.
Minus these critical elements plus the time to allow a relationship to naturally flourish (or sputter) and deal with real life challenges leads me to this conclusion: that even though a great bond can be developed online and it’s a great resource, eventually, regular real life exposure and time together as a couple is required to fully see the full loving potential a couple possesses. Therefore, I recommend eventual real life meetings for those online relationships that seem to have the potential for more. Give it a full chance after a good, solid initial connection develops. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
(Reference Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love)
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-06-25 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).