So, you're dating a fellow member of the church. Check. They seem pretty nice and together. Check. So, is he or she the right one? Should I marry them? Or, is it all wrong? Maybe I should break up with them. I don't want to make the wrong decision. How can I know for sure? If any of these questions sound familiar, you are not alone. Making the decision on whether to marry someone you are steadily dating is a very important one. In fact, President Gordon B. Hinckley has said that marriage “will be the most important decision of your life. … Marry the right person in the right place at the right time.” (“Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999). Hey, no pressure!
Ways to Know #1--Practical
This may not sound like a very spiritual or romantic focus, but practically speaking, how ready is this person for marriage? Such issues include where they are in relation to their debt, college, career, credit score, living current living arrangement, savings, previous marriage(s), current children, work ethic, energy levels, family background, personal and mutual interests, friends, schedule, and many other variables.
In short, how well do both of you blend together in these kinds of ways? The practicalities matter. If there are any large concerns or discrepancies in any of these areas, such differences will eventually cause problems. The main rule of thumb is that most relationships do better when partners are more similar than different, as well as healthy versus unhealthy. Many marriages have failed because of ignoring or sweeping such concerns under the carpet in the beginning.
Ways to Know #2--Relational/Interactional
How well are the both of you together when you interact? What is your communication style? Listening style? Conflict resolution style? Sense of humor? Flirting/being playful (versus being serious)? Is either a yeller, an assertive person who talks it out? A conflict avoider? Remember, a relationship is, in fact, a "ship of relations". In other words, how you treat each other and interact. Are you basically healthy and positive together? Do you usually bring out the best in each other (or the worst)? Do you usually get along or argue? Are your feelings when around each other usually positive or negative/resentful? Do you get butterflies and feel a spark when together, or does it feel more friends? Are you physically attracted to the other or not?
How you interact and mesh together in these kinds of ways will go a long way to determine how long you will stay together. Please consider these issues and take them into account when choosing.
Ways to Know #3: Spiritually
Please consider the first 2 factors already mentioned. However, the main factor that should ultimately let you know whether the other person is right for you to get engaged with and marry comes from spiritual confirmation through prayer and feeling the peaceful, burning feelings of the Holy Ghost. Unless both sides pray and receive a positive spiritual answer to proceed, I wouldn't recommend committing in such a scenario.
Here are a few scriptures to remind you to ask, and then you shall receive (in this case, the answer)
Point 1: The Holy Ghost will let you know, so first, pray for that.
Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. (John 16:13)
Ask the Father in my name in faith, believing that you shall receive, and you shall have the Holy Ghost, which manifesteth all things which are expedient unto the children of men. (Doctrine & Covenants 18:18)
Point 2: Ask to Receive Your Answer by the Holy Ghost
He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh. (Doctrine & Covenants 46:30)
Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you; (Doctrine & Covenants 88:63-64)
Point 3: Recognize the Spirit's and Accept the Answer Either Way
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance... (Galatians 5:22-23)
But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me. (Doctrine & Covenants 9:8-9)
Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God? (Doctrine & Covenants 6:23)
Make the right decision to marry the right person in the right place at the right time. It is, as President Hinckley said, "the most important decision of your life", because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-06-11 | Randy Gilchrist |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).