The #1 macro level problem I see in the LDS Singles scene, is an utter lack of understanding of the opposite sex. I guess this is more of a societal problem in general, but we can take some steps to mitigate it. Women tend to think of men as just harrier women, without much thought of how fundamentally different men and women are. This is also a problem from the male perspective, but men are much more outcome based, whereas women are process based, and this means that women will tend to overthink and complicate things while men will oversimplify things. Of course there are exceptions, so what we discuss here assumes there are exceptions and won’t keep qualifying it.
It is usually not a great idea to get advice about the opposite sex from your same gender. They are coming from the same bias that you are. Having friends of the opposite sex is useful, primarily when dating, once you are married, the new spouse probably won’t appreciate it too much. This should be someone that is truly a friend, it isn’t healthy if one of you harbors feelings for the other and are silently pining away (that’s a subject for another column). Alison Armstrong has a great series on Understanding Men and Understanding Women. She has done an excellent job in breaking it down and making it easily understandable. Even just looking at the free items on her website are informative. I have no relationship with Alison in any way. I have never even personally spoken with her, but the Bishop of a singles Ward I use to attend in 2013 had her DVD set on Understanding Women and used it for the Singles FHE’s and it was amazing. I grew up with 5 sisters and my mom and most of this was still a surprise to me.
So, let’s dig into some specific scenarios: Women think when they flirt, they are being really obvious, but seriously, what you think is over the top, unless you are flat out saying “Hi, want to go on a date?”, the guy probably doesn’t get it. This short, humorous video is a great example. I have personally watched an example of women talking about a man they were interested in and attempted to woo him. The women thought the flirting was over the top. I spoke with the man some time later and he hadn’t even known they were interested, or noticed the flirting.
Another example I witnessed was an attractive 30 something woman who was lamenting how she never got asked out. I asked her to give me an example of something that had happened, so she explains “Guys will ask me to hang out and I’ll say ‘yeah, let’s hang out sometime’”. I told her that she had just rejected the guy. First, he asked to “hang out” which is pretty lame, but it is a “safe” way to ask someone out. By her not providing a definitive time frame like “sounds great, I’m free next thursday”, he will take what she said as a lame way to reject the overture. I often say “don’t play hard to get, you won’t get got”. This means that turning someone down, if they are at all trying to be considerate, means they won’t try again. So, don’t say “no” if you mean “yes, but later”. Here are some bullet points I put together to consider when you are talking to the opposite sex:
* How to ask someone on a date/to dance
* How to say 'no thanks'
* How to accept a 'no'
* How to say 'yes'
* Don't say 'no' if you mean 'yes, but later'
* Don’t say ‘yes’ if you think you are being nice by not saying ‘no’
* How to clearly show interest
* How to recognize that someone is showing interest
* Personal grooming and fitness
* How to be approachable at a dance
* If someone asks you to dance, say YES, it took courage to do it
These should be easily understood at a macro level, but learning how to implement it is something else. What it really requires is for both genders to do a better job at communicating and being clear. Not reading between the lines, and not putting messages between the lines. Let's talk about a couple of these points specifically:
"Personal grooming and fitness" - Guys, that Duck Dynasty beard just isn't attractive. Ladies, the skin tight pulled back greasy pony tail isn't cutting it. Some things everyone can do is seek out professionals to find out (depending on your gender of course) what hair, makeup, beard, works for you. Find out what colors look good on you, just because you like them, doesn't mean they actually work. Your body is a temple, treat it that way. If the church included more of the Word of Wisdom in the Temple Recommend interview, like "moderation in all things", I imagine a lot of people wouldn't have their recommend anymore. Get up off your behind and get some exercise, it isn't hard. Walk for 20 minutes a day. Get some 5 or 10 pound dumbells and do some simple exercises while you watch TV, if you're needing to work up to a bigger routine. Just start.
"Dances" - Where to begin. Women are their own worst enemy here, I'll relate one real life example I witnessed. I was having some water and looking around the room to see who I knew or wanted to ask to dance and these 2 women are near me and I hear one say to the other "I just don't know what else to do, I've walked past him twice and he hasn't asked me to dance." HUH???? Seriously???? Guys really don't have an issue at dances, they just go and ask people to dance, but the women do a few things that make it impossible for men to ask them. They will be in a nose to nose conversation with a friend, making it hard to break in. They will dance with their female friends, also making it near impossible. What happens all too often is you approach one of these women, usually one is in better shape than the other, so you feel guilty for asking the more attractive one. Then she'll say "no, but my friend wants to dance with you", or just "no", so you get forced onto someone else, or you get rejected by the entire group of women. No one likes rejection. Women complain they don't get asked to dance, but they engage in this behavior all the time, creating a horrible problem for men.
These skills will serve you very well once you are married. Instead of suffering and fuming in silence, have a conversation where you both speak and both listen. Here are a few more thoughts to close with:
* Be Honest, not nice (don’t say “yes” if you mean “no”)
* Make someone a choice, not an option
* So, I was reading in some of the often overlooked parables that Jesus gave and found this one he gave to the disciples after they had dinner at Applebees one night. This is aimed at single adults and is the parable of the restaurant:
"You're looking at a menu, you can't decide between Steak, Lasagna and Swordfish. All very different, all equally enjoyable. You agonize over the choices until the restaurant closes and you go home hungry."
* When someone is talking are you listening or waiting to speak
I often see singles say “I’m praying for HF (Heavenly Father) to bring me my EC (Eternal Companion)”, on the womens side, they often refuse to ask a man out or even clearly show interest, the entire burden is on the man to read her signals, take the risk, swallow the pain of rejection and keep on trying. Here is what is important to keep in mind. Just because you’re praying to meet your EC, it doesn’t mean that they are.
So consider the scenario where you feel compelled to go to an event you wouldn’t normally go to, and once there you see or hear someone talk that you feel drawn to. This could very well be the answer to your prayer, but this is YOUR prayer, not theirs. So it is now incumbent on YOU to approach that person. You prayed for it, the Holy Ghost nudged you in that direction, the stage is set, but if you sit there and don’t continue to act on it, then you’ve missed the opportunity that you prayed for. You really can’t pray for someone else to be drawn to you. You’ve got to do the work, you can’t just pray and expect the pizza delivery boy to show up and be your EC, especially if you didn’t even order a pizza. Remember what the brother of Jared went through in the Book of Mormon, if you don’t remember, read Ether again. Remember that Joseph Smith always had to ask. Nothing was given to him unbidden. You have to be actively engaged in your life.
| 2016-08-31 | Shawn Gordon | Marriage preparation, Communication |
About the author
I am a founder of this site and as of May 2015 I am happily married to a wonderful LDS woman. I spent my years in the singles system as a singles rep working to optimize events and maximize the effectiveness of people interacting and finding someone to love. I studied psychology for years and my years as a software and business consultant have made me very adept at understanding people and their motivations. I hope to help others find that same happiness that I have.