One of the bigger dating challenges for some comes in the difficulty of verbally opening up. Letting the other person in. Sharing what's in your heart, mind, and soul. Making yourself vulnerable. Expressing wants, needs, opinions, and feelings. Making requests. Saying no and setting boundaries. If this describes you, you probably have your reasons for not opening up. Perhaps people in the past have used things you shared against you. Perhaps it's lead to an argument or friction. Whatever your reasons are for not opening up, it may be a good idea to work through these barriers with a qualified licensed clinical psychologist. Or maybe it's as simple as realizing you have an issue with this and learning some ways to break the ice. When you do feel more ready to open up, a good place to start is by identifying and expressing feelings/emotions.
Identifying and Expressing Feelings
To identify and express feelings/emotions, here is a general outline you can use:
1) I feel (or I felt)__________ (one or more feeling/emotion words)
2) When__________(something happens or happened)
3) Because__________(why that thing led you to feel that way)
4 I wish (or I would like)__________(what--more, less, better, different)
Just fill in the blanks and practice using this format to practice opening up about anything you have feelings about. Basically, this outline allows you to identify and express the emotion you feel when a certain thing happens for a certain reason, along with what you would like about that (more, less, better, differently). Often, men struggle to express negative emotions not connected to anger. Women, on the other hand, often struggle to express anger, but freely express other non anger emotions. Both sides will need to practice a variety of both positive and negative communication until this becomes more naturally comfortable. The second person listening should, ideally, agree to do just that--listen, and not argue or try to fix or change the other.
Some positive emotions you can choose from include:
Positive, happy, good, great, hopeful, helpful, excited, glad, confident, loving, loved, close, connected, and encouraged,
Some negative emotion words you can also choose from include:
Negative, angry, mad, irritated, enraged, upset, irked, annoyed, sad, depressed, down, blue, hopeless, helpless, anxious, stressed, worried, unstable, irrational, paranoid, insecure, guilty, regretful, and remorseful.
Interestingly, it often seems hard for women to express anger related feelings, whereas men struggle to open up about more vulnerable non angry negative emotions. Therefore, identifying and expression feelings are challenging in different ways to bother genders. With time, practice, and some trial and error, you will become better at opening up in these ways. And soon, conversations about deeper feelings and issues will come regularly and easily (or at least more easily). Developing new communication skills like this one out of your comfort zone will help you and your dating partner become closer, understand each other more, and be happier and more bonded together. Because "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
| 2016-01-17 | Randy Gilchrist | Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).