by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
One of the biggest challenges I have heard from LDS singles (and the singles community in general) revolve around small talk. Chatting with a new or prospective partner before, during, or after a date can sometimes be very challenging. Knowing what to say, how to say it, and what not to say can be very difficult for some. Awkward pauses, awkward silence, nervous laughter, rambling, offending the other, going on and on about oneself, and other difficulties and challenges are common. Such conversations can come across as tense, choppy, and otherwise unpleasant. Nervousness and self-consciousness can be to blame, as well as general challenges in small talking skills.
Solution 1: Learn to Relax
The more stressed, nervous, and anxious you are during conversations, the harder they are to have. Conversely, the more relaxed and at ease that you can be, the easier the conversation will flow and the more comfortable it will all feel. The following are a few quick ideas to help you learn to relax:
1) Hypnosis: listen to hypnosis each night before sleep. A good resource for pre-recorded hypnosis is www.hypnosisdownloads.com. If you prefer a custom hypnosis session, I provide those for LDS members at www.dr-rg.com/lds.
2) Deep Breathing: slow down your mind and body by breathing in deeply to the lowest part of your abdomen for several seconds, briefly pause, and then breathe out completely at the same slow pace. Do so 5-10 times until relaxed. Stop if dizzy.
3) Progressive muscle relaxation: from the top of your head down to your feet, strongly tense, hold, and relax each muscle group for several seconds. Typically good areas to tense and relax include the neck, shoulders, back, abdomen, legs, etc.
Solution 2: Strengthen Your Conversation Skills
The better your conversation skills, the easier your small talk becomes. Here are a few ideas to do so:
1) Regularly read or listen to people skills and communication skills building self-help materials. A good example is the classic book: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Another recommended book is "Your Perfect Right" by Robert Alberti.
2) Regularly study materials that might give you possible subject matter for future conversations. Church magazines, gossip magazines, the newspaper, quality websites, and other resources for current news and events. The more you expose yourself to learning what is going on today and in the world around you, the more material you have to hold a conversation about.
3) Practice asking questions to the other person from obvious or interesting things you are noticing or learning about them. Get them to talk about themselves a decent amount of the time (but not completely). Look and demonstrate interest and attention to them and what they are saying. Getting them to talk about themselves can be flattering to them and take the pressure off of you to say something creative or clever at the same time.
Final Thoughts:
If you can master small talk, most of the rest of dating is downhill. Great small talk beats great fun thing to do almost every time (although both are great goals). Get better at this important skill to increase your chances and opportunities for dating success and happiness. You can do this. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-02-13 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Communication |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).