by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
In the 2000s and especially the 2010s and beyond, both in and out of the LDS scene, it seems that dating today is different than it has been in the past. Technology, the media, shifting standards, and other modern changes have had a ripple effect in the dating arena. One of the many changes occurring lately is the evolution from "courting" in the 1940s and earlier, to "dating" from the 1950s to the 1990s, and "hanging out", from approximately the 2000s to the present. Each term denotes something different in relation to men, women, and developing relationships. The Webster dictionary defines "courting" as "the activities that occur when people are developing a romantic relationship that could lead to marriage or the period of time when such activities occur". For "dating", a "date" is defined as "an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character. Finally, from the Urban dictionary, "hanging out" is defined as "to socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is used to refer to a type of fun."
So, what trend do you notice across these terms? Pre-marriage rituals have gone from formal and monogamous marriage preparing routines (courting) to less formal patterns of going out with one or more person at a time/semi-casual (dating), to just spending general time with someone alone or in a group for fun only with no real definition to any paired relational standing at all (hanging out). Ironically, physical and even sexual affection seems to have increased more quickly and further when hanging out, while at the same time the chastity, formality, monogamy, and commitment has decreased. While many hanging out relationships are for fun and getting to know people, greater amounts of sexual physicality can be common in these relationships if not careful, resulting in guilt, regret, remorse, bishop office meetings, and/or lessened church activity.
"Courting"--an old fashioned term that is rather antiquated--can basically be looked at as dating just 1 person in a committed relationship with an effort to see if marriage is possible, leading to engagement. So for purposes of this article, there is general dating (as in more than 1 person at a time until you determine you want to narrow it down to 1) and committed dating (just 1). Both have the purpose of looking for marriage. Committed dating is superior to hanging out when a couple demonstrates marriage potential, hanging out is superior to dating when a couple does not have marriage potential--as long as physical boundaries are maintained. Appropriate healthy dating is a path towards marriage. Hanging out is not unless it progresses to dating.
Bringing Back Committed Dating
So, how does one promote and work towards committed dating of marriage potential partners instead of just hanging out? Here are several suggestions:
1) Tactfully work in discussions with people--especially people you see as potential or new dating partners--comments about your standards, your church dedication and principles, what you are looking for, and what you would like in your life: marriage (hopefully temple), children (as appropriate--depending on your life situation), etc. If that scares someone off and/or they are not looking for or can't offer the same thing, they are not dating material and will hopefully weed themselves out. They can be your friend but you know it will not go further and maybe now they know this as well.
2) If you are at a party, a church activity, an institute class, or other get together, get to know as many potential dating partners as possible. Talk, flirt (appropriately and with class), and talk about fun things you like to do. Ask them things that they like to do for fun as well. If you feel like you click, connect, and have potential together, get their phone number and ask them out. I personally feel it is OK for women to ask out men today as well, but others may disagree. Please avoid using the phrase "let's hang out" along the way in these scenarios. At least not saying that phrase is a modern indicator that this is a date. Don't play word games minimizing what it is. It's a date.
3) Only date multiple people briefly until you know which one has the greatest marriage potential, and then promote just dating that one person only. It may or may not work out, but dating one on one with minimal interference and drama from outside individuals will give your dating relationship the best opportunity to thrive and perhaps lead to marriage.
4) If you go out in a big group of people in the beginning for fun that isn't a formal group date--it's truly "hanging out" without pairs--that is fine to start, but not a fine place to remain with a person of marriage potential. Look for individuals to personally connect with, and when connections are there (or strongly possible), promote the next get together to be in a more personal, paired, dating context (just the 2 of you and/or in a paired group date setting).
5) Remember that we tend to marry those we date, so try only to date people with marriage potential and standards as much as possible. Otherwise, they are better as friends.
6) If you are dating someone and they still refer to it as "hanging out", it is appropriate to have a conversation about it, and ask that they call it dating. That in and of itself reframes and redefines the relationship as one with commitment potential versus casual fun alone. If that little discussion scares them off, they probably weren't the right person ready for the same things as you anyway.
This little article is a simplistic introduction to an important topic. I understand others will have some different ideas on the subject, these are just mine. In closing, remember, dating leads to marriage, hanging out does not. Give yourself the best chance possible for a marriage--ideally a temple marriage--and do not settle for less. The greater the risk, the greater the reward. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-10-03 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).