by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
One of the hardest elements of the LDS singles dating journey is heartache and heartbreak. The feeling of hurt and letdown when either a promising dating prospect falls apart, you discover something about the other than leads you to feel the need to break up with them, or you are dating and they break up with you. At the core of all of these painful scenarios is a mixture of frustration, hurt, disappointment, let down. discouragement, even a feeling of wanting to give up on dating in general. When heartbreak happens and you are alone and hurting, what can you do to get through the pain? How can you move on and eventually be happy again?
Grieving
In the beatitudes, Jesus says, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). So, you have the promise of spiritual comfort during such difficult times. Also implied in that scripture is how it is normal and appropriate to grieve and be in pain after we suffer a loss. Prayer and getting the comfort and support of the Holy Spirit is an important part of grieving. Talking to your bishop and/or a psychotherapist for guidance, counsel, and support can also be good ideas. Self help books/other resources can be helpful as well. It depends upon how much pain you are in and the kind of help you require. Usually as a rule of thumb, it is better to seek out more avenues of support and comfort from multiple sources than stay isolated, struggling, and suffering from inner pain.
So, when you grieve, there are a number of general stages or steps that you go through, which tend to progress more effectively and efficiently when you seek after and get the before mentioned help, support and guidance.
Stage 1: Shock and/or numbness--you are overwhelmed by the bad news as the reality of the letdown first hits you.
Stage 2: Denial and/or withdrawal/isolation--the overwhelm from the loss and disappointment feels to be too much, so you avoid people, places, and conversations that remind you of the person and the loss when you aren't up to facing it or being reminded of it. This can include not trying to let the full reality of what has just happened be accepted by yourself inside (denial).
Stage 3: Suffering feelings--as the reality of the loss further seeps into you, a combination of anger, guilt, anxiety, and/or depression takes hold of you and you feel quite miserable.
Stage 4: Resolution phase--you analyze, simplify, think out, talk out, and understand the loss better over time. You accept support from caring, supportive others. You collect what you have learned. Suffering feelings slowly lessen.
Stage 5: Acceptance: you have worked though the grieving process and accept the new reality of where you are in life and how things will be. You accept reality without the anger, depression, and other suffering. However, you aren't necessarily happy about your life yet.
Stage 6: Hope: With the hope of a new, better life, you go forward searching for and enjoying happiness and normal, regular positive feelings again.
The bulk of the work you can do to promote getting through the grieving process and getting to stage 5 and 6 happens at stage 4. Grief resolution efforts happen through prayer, talking through the loss and getting support from friends, family, and the bishop if needed, going to counseling, reading self help books, and basically putting your mind in a positive, productive, proactive mode to move on with your life.
The problems with grieving come in the extremes. some people just try to bury, avoid, and escape their grief through distraction and just not wanting to deal with it. Addictions, bad habits, and rebound relationships are often the result, as well as a long, drawn out inner grief that doesn't go away on its own. On the other hand, there are some who brood, marinate, vent, and bemoan their situation at a high level both to themselves and others and stay stuck, not moving forward. An approach in the middle is doing a good resolution stage as suggested previously.
Final Thoughts:
Grieving heartache and heartbreak is natural, normal, and to be expected. However, How much you suffer and for how long largely depends on your approach to the loss and the help and support you gather along the way. Dating can be painful, but finding someone in the end makes it worth it. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-04-23 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).