Green Light Signals - Are They Interested?

One of the sometimes exciting, sometimes frustrating things about getting to know someone in the beginning of dating is: are they really interested in me? And how interested? Both men and women can be rather coy in this regard. Three possibilities here: A) They haven't decided how interested they are in you yet. B) They have decided they are not that interested and don't want to hurt your feelings, hoping you will get the hint. C) They're interested, possibly very interested, but don't want to jinx it or scare you away by being too forward or direct. We often call this relational "game playing".

Usually we already know which of the 3 options we are at relationally towards the other: yes, no, or unsure/undecided. However, figuring out where the other person is, is often the challenge. A great way to decipher where the other side is at is to look for "green light signs"--outward signs that demonstrate interest. The more green lights you see from the other person more often, the stronger interest the other is showing in you. Conversely, the fewer and more sporadic green light signs you see, the other is either not interested or is perhaps so slow moving, additional efforts into this person become less a good idea to pursue. Knowledge is power, and you need to know where the other is as you decide whether to keep trying in a relationship or move on. Time's a wasting!

Here are 5 solid green light signals of interest to look for, in no particular order:

1. They often touch you when you around each other in affectionate or teasing/flirty ways: grabbing your hand, poking, rubbing, massaging, scratching, patting, etc. This kind of touch promotes energy, connection, and interest. Interested people have a harder time keeping their hands off of someone they are into. Disinterested people keep physical distance most of the time across most situations, not wanting to "lead the other on". True, some people are naturally more "touchy feely" than others and keeping initial distance isn't always a "not interested" sign. However, when it does happen, being physical like this is a strong positive sign that they are interested, especially when combined with other signals below.
   
   
2. In your conversations when you talk, they light up with interest. They patiently listen with a lot of validation, agreement, and energy. They add to the conversation and keep it going. They say teasing and flirty things. In reality they may or may not be THAT interested in the topic you are talking about, but they are interested in YOU, and their interest comes out in their enthusiastic, energetic talking and listening style. The conversations have energy, passion, and a great feeling of building mutuality and connection. You can "feel it" in the air, so to speak. Like a sexual tension. A yearning for more and more of you. Whew. Is it hot in here?
   
   
3. In talking about plans or potential plans of going out and doing things together, the other side has an positive, enthusiastic response. They are open to new ideas and open to doing most anything (within reason). They agree with your plans. They perhaps offer some additional ones themselves as well. If they can't go out at one time, they are quick to offer an alternative time. They talk about other options of future additional places to go as well. The idea is they are open to YOU, really, and doing a lot of things with you as often as possible.
   
   
4. When out on dates, the other person keeps a positive attitude and has the best time possible. During outings, they have fun and keep a lighter, more carefree attitude. They don't complain, or keep complaints to a minimum. They are open to trying and doing new things. They are adventurous, energetic, and fun loving. Smiles and laughter abounds. Again, the actual activity of the date may or may not be THAT fun, but they are enjoying being with you and the excitement of where it all may lead.
   
   
5. They send other people to you on fact seeking missions. Their friends or family members--especially if they already know you--might be sent to learn more about you and your true feelings/where you are at. They might ask some probing questions. Obvious scouting mission questions would be like, "so, how's it going with _____(the person you are dating)? Is it getting serious? Where do you see this going?" And so on. To the extent to which this is a person close to the person you are going out with, you can generally assume that they are acting as the "wingman" or "wingwoman" for your new dating partner. You can assume a lot about the person you are dating by the way their closest friends and family talk to you and ask you questions. Soon after departing, this friend or family member will likely be reporting these findings back to who you are dating (or considering dating). Oftentimes the idea of a "wingman" or "wingwoman" asking probing questions will seem safer than the person asking the heavier questions themselves, perhaps scaring you off.
   

These dating "games" often frustrate people. Why can't the other person just be straightforward? Why all of the clues and hinting? Why all the game playing? Again, because they don't want to scare you off of jinx it, especially in the early period. In actuality, game playing can be quite fun when you feel you are getting this positive feedback. Remember, having a great man or woman in your life is worth it all. On to success! Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). Best wishes,

Dr. G

2015-12-11

Randy Gilchrist

Dating, Communication

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