Forgiveness means something a little different when we talk about spiritual forgiveness versus psychological forgiveness. Both are important in a different way. From the lds.org topics section (https://www.lds.org/topics/forgiveness?lang=eng), forgiveness is defined as follows: "To forgive is a divine attribute. It is to pardon or excuse someone from blame for an offense or misdeed. The scriptures refer to forgiveness in two ways. The Lord commands us to repent of our sins and seek His forgiveness. He also commands us to forgive those who offend or hurt us." In short, spiritual forgiveness is an obligation and a commandment, that as we forgive others, we ourselves can receive forgiveness for our own sins as well.
Psychological forgiveness is somewhat different. From Psychology Today magazine, we see that psychological forgiveness is more about what will bring ourselves personal relief, peace, and other inner benefits: "Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat away at us, is the course of action recommended by most psychologists." In other words, when we forgive others, we ourselves release a burden and can live a happier, freer life with less bitterness and resentment to deal with.
Forgiveness brings many benefits in general, both spiritual and psychological. Spiritually when we forgive, we feel the spirit more inside. We feel closer to our Father in Heaven. We have the comfort of knowing he is pleased with us, we are following his commandments, and we are in line to receive our own forgiveness for our own sins. Psychologically and emotionally, we feel more general inner peace, relief, and freedom. We become more open to becoming vulnerable again and reaching out and connecting with others. We become ready to connect again as we become "emotionally available" to others.
How to forgive
At church we learn a general process of forgiveness. For additional assistance in that area, consult with your bishop or other appropriate church leader. Beyond that, psychologically, there are some ideas, steps, and guidance I'd like to add here to give you a path to effectively forgive others. To forgive another, I recommend that you write out and/or say the following statements out loud (which is more effective than just saying these things in your head):
1) I feel __________(angry, sad, worried, and/or guilty--or any other version of these 4 key painful feelings)
2) Because you__________(whatever they did to get you upset or hurt)
3) I understand__________(wherever they were coming from that may have led them to act as they did; other outside circumstances or people that contribute to what happened--not an excuse for them, but some empathy)
4) So therefore as of right now, I choose to completely forgive you for this.
5) Spiritually, I know that forgiving you will help me___________(your spiritual benefits for forgiving, such as feeling the spirit more or feeling good again with Heavenly Father)
6) Personally, I know that forgiving you will help me__________(your personal benefits you stand to gain by offering forgiveness, such as inner peace or the ability to connect with others again)
7) And so I commit from here on out to__________(how will you go forward in a good, healthy way from here, such as by dropping grudges and being happy again)
Notice that this is an exercise to do privately. It may or may not be a good idea to confront the offending person and share part or all of these things. They may or may not respond well. Therefore, having a conversation with them about how they acted, it's effects on you, and your offering of forgiveness is up to you. Either way, please at least do this personal exercise to help you on your way, independent upon the other's reaction or response to you.
After you do this 7 step exercise, practice telling yourself as needed, "I forgive and let go". Do this as many times as needed. Remember that you need to act forgiving in these kinds of ways to eventually feel forgiving. Feeling forgiving will happen in some time and when you are ready. However, doing this kind of an exercise and making the choice to forgive is a great way to begin. Forgiveness is an important part of all relationships, and especially dating and marriage. It allows you to work through your issues, reconnect, and move forward. Grudges and resentments are replaced by love, kindness, and another chance to move forward (either together or with another). You can forgive and you need to forgive. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-07-25 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships, Psychological health |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).