First Impressions

by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)

First impressions are the initial idea you create about what a person is like/others create about you, based upon initial cues like tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, first words, and other immediate/superficial factors. Sometimes, initial impressions end up different than how we end up feelings towards or about a person. However, more often than not, the initial first impression we generate tcan be stubborn to change and tends to remain the same. In an effort to feel consistent, we often subconsciously look for more evidence to support our initial impressions rather than looking for exceptions to change our impressions. Therefore, in the dating world--both in and out of the LDS community--the first impressions we have of others (and give to others) go a long way to determine if we give others a chance to connect (or if others give us a chance to further connect with them).

An excellent book on the subject is called, appropriately enough, "First Impressions" by Damarais and White (2005). You may wish to read this book to really understand this important factor. Accordingly, the authors note many multiple traits to be aware of in working to create a positive first impression with others. Arguably the two most critical factors in a first impression is if one comes across as "approachable" or "unapproachable". In short, those deemed "approachable" will be given more social (and hence dating) opportunities, whereas those deemed "unapproachable" will have fewer such opportunities.

First Impression: Approachable

If You:
Smile when I meet someone

You May Seem:
Inviting, affirming, likable, pleasant

If You:
Adapt to the social situation and appear similar to others

You May Seem:
Safe, comfortable, accepting, nonjudgmental

If You:
Are well groomed, stylish, and comfortable with your appearance

You May Seem:
Healthy, confident

If You:
Introduce yourself and others

You May Seem:
Engaged, socially skilled, comfortable

If You:
Actively invite people to join you

You May Seem:
Safe, welcoming, likable

If You:
Create a positive mood and draw out others

You May Seem:
Affirming, entertaining, comfortable to be around

If You:
Open a conversation by being in the moment--talking about immediate situation

You May Seem:
Safe, socially aware, easy to engage


First Impression: Unapproachable

If You:
Fail to smile

You May Seem:
Uninterested or unattracted to another, cold

If You:
Focus on your individuality rather than your commonality with others

You May Seem:
Inaccessible, self-involved, socially awkward

If You:
Show little attention to your grooming and style

You May Seem:
Socially unaware, careless

If You:
Wait for an introduction

You May Seem:
Distant, uncomfortable, uninviting, passive

If You:
Observe and judge before interacting actively

You May Seem:
Uninterested, difficult to connect with, aloof

If You:
Use prepared opening lines

You May Seem:
Shallow, aggressive, calculating

If You:
Open with a casual, negative opinion

You May Seem:
Unlikable, unpleasant

Final Thoughts/Conclusion

Again, whether or not another person gives you a social opportunity to continue to connect and get to know them further will be determined by what kind of first impression you give them. Please review both of these lists and practice adding/enhancing traits promoting being deemed "approachable", as well as work to minimize or eliminate those traits that lead you to be deemed "unapproachable". Give yourself the best chance possible that the other will indeed give you a chance.

Be familiar with all of the points on both lists. Self awareness and adjustments will maximize your opportunities. Develop self awareness and make adjustments and improvements as necessary. Rather than resenting and resisting the effects of initial impressions, allow this very human tendency to work for you. Give yourself every opportunity. Be the kind of person you yourself would feel comfortable to approach and talk with. In short, those possessing and acting on this self-awareness will have a tremendous advantage in the dating world, while those minimizing or ignoring the first impression they leave with others will often end up feeling frustrated and isolated. First impressions matter because relationship and marriage opportunities matter. Remember, "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.

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About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).