by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
In the dating world, a common complaint often goes like this: "he was so nice in the beginning, but then…", or "she was great in the beginning, but then her dark side came out..". How will you know if a new dating prospect or partner is just a really a good person, or just putting their best foot forward with something far more ominous lurking beneath? That's the trick: to find out and choose accordingly as soon as possible.
We all have a dark side which will come out in time. To be fair, if we don't put our best foot forward in the beginning and impress the other person from the get go, no dating relationship would ever get off of the ground floor! So to a degree there is some level of fakeness existing in most initial meetings and dating relationships. That is normal and to be expected. But what about when this tendency is taken to a much higher level? What if the person they are acting like bears little if any resemblance to how they will act in a long term relationship or even marriage?
Sometimes such people faking could ultimately be abusive, neglectful, horribly irresponsible, unfaithful, have a big addiction problem, etc.
In sum, danger exists when the person was being overly fake and didn't give you an accurate enough representation of themselves for you to make a fair, informed decision on their true commitment potential. Here are two words and terms that can apply to these situations that you probably don't hear at church. According to the Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com), watch out for these:
Player: A male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.
Being Played: made a fool of, chumped, taken advantage of.
Although the Urban Dictionary defines a player as male, a player in the dating world can be either gender. There can commonly be a sexual motive, but the "playing" can be for other exploitive gain as well, such as money, marital commitment (even temple marriage), status, etc., etc--especially in the marriage and family obsessed LDS world. The point is that there is large misrepresentation happening to exploit and take advantage of the other. This "faking" puts you at risk for getting swept up into a relationship or even a marriage where you will usually end up used, abused, and unhappy. Such relationships usually don't last and are quite damaging for however long they do. They can be traumatic and leave large scars and pain taking years to recover from.
How to Spot a Player/A Faker:
1) How do they handle tough life moments where it's harder to keep the act up? If they can consistently be a nice, decent, civil person across the more challenging of life circumstances, you might have a winner there. Beware, on the other hand, if challenging circumstances result into such reactions as notable arguing, anger, tantrums, blaming, attacking, pouting, fits, or even destroying property or getting physical with you. Watch how they handle circumstances such as stress, frustration, mistakes, disagreements, etc. Such times often occur when they encounter: bad news, bad drivers on the road, work stress, getting lost on the road, learning of a surprise bill, getting the breaks put on during physically intimate moments, etc. This is the main sign to watch for as you determine their true, underlying commitment potential. If he or she can't handle these moments, please move on and find another to date and commit to.
Another way to discover this information besides direct observation over time is to ask or notice what other family, friends, coworkers, and associates say about them in such scenarios. Key information can be also noticed about how they describe their relationships with the opposite sex parent or exes. Look for common threads or contradictions from how the other people describe him/her in various ways versus what they themselves admit.
2) How quickly are they pacing the relationship? A healthy, solid, secure person will usually be much more willing to take their time exploring and developing their new relationship with you. No rush. A player/faker, conversely, will tend to be in a big rush. They will be quick to express love and affection, talk about marriage plans, try to get physically or even sexually intimate, etc. Everything will have a whirlwind quality to the relationship. Why do players/fakers take this approach? Simply put, they want to ensnare you with commitment and physical involvement as soon as possible before you find out the rest of how they really are, in hopes it will too late and too tough for you to put the breaks on the unhealthy situation. They are battling time and the inevitable realization you will soon have as you learn how they really are.
3) Word Games: as you notice 1 and 2 above occurring and they see you are starting to realize how they are, the player/faker will counterattack to try to pull you away from what you are learning for fear of rejection. The "gig" is quickly up, but they will try desperately to squash your knowledge by somehow arguing and turning it around on you somehow. The three most common and desperate word game tactics of players/fakers use to squash your new knowledge of them are denial, minimization, and blame.
In "denial", the player/faker will simply deny what you are noticing and pointing out to them. Such phrases can include "no I didn't", "I don't remember that", "I never said/did that" or "you're lying/making that up". In "minimization", they will try to lessen what they did by saying such things like "that was no big deal", "you're making too much of that", "it wasn't that bad", "you're overreacting", "it was just a joke", etc. In "blame", the player/faker will simply blame any bad thing they are doing or saying on you. "I only did ___ because you ___", "you made me___", or "if you wouldn't have___ I wouldn't have".
Final Thoughts
Simply put, the more of 1-3 you notice going on above, such red light signs are good, useful information that you are dealing with a player/faker. Move on. Break up with them. Find someone else of higher quality. Don't settle. Find someone who treats you at least as well as you treat them. The stakes are high and you don't need such exploiters and manipulators in your life. Find someone who really can be celestial-level marriage quality and potential. And if who is in front of you doesn't make the grade, please move on. You can find an eternal partner worthy of all of the good things you have to offer them. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
| 2017-08-28 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).