by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Whether dating, engaged, or married, every relationship has one partner that tends to "wear the pants". This old fashion term relates to whomever tends to make most of the major and big decisions in the relationship, as well as whatever small decisions matter to the partner in charge. Wearing the pants in the relationship was traditionally a term related to men, since women used to only wear skirts and dresses. However, in accordance with modern times where women often wear pants as well, today either the man or the woman can tend to "wear the pants in the relationship". Increased social standing, educational and career opportunities, and general changing societal norms have allowed women to be more likely than ever to have more control and a bigger voice in a relationship. And this trend is not immune to members of the church, who have often conformed in similar fashion to non members in this way.
What Leads a Man or a Woman to Be the Decision Maker?
Usually, a person enters into a relationship with a personality, temperament, and background/history that leads them to search for and desire control and decision making with a partner, while others come to a relationship more "easy going", deferential, even decision and conflict avoidant. Role modeling from parents, influences from siblings and ex dating/marriage relationships, societal teachings, church teaching, and other biological and instinctive factors combine to shape a person's personality in these ways. The good news is that either a more controlling/decision making partner and a more easy going, deferential partner can make for a healthy, happy, and lasting life together, depending on how moments of decision are approached.
What Church Leaders and the Scriptures Say:
As a more controlling partner commonly gets together with a more easy going, deferential personality in relationships, a spirit of mutual love, caring, sensitivity, respect, consideration, and civility needs to permeate all interactions for health and happiness to result. Paul famously states "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). Also, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25). This spirit of love, consideration, and unity needs to permeate every facet of marriage.
Furthermore, President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: “When you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Selfishness is the great destroyer of happy family life. If you will make your first concern the comfort, the well-being, and the happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier goal, you will be happy, and your marriage will go on throughout eternity” (Ensign, Dec. 1995, 67). This spirit of love and consideration can and should be employed by all personality types, both more controlling and deferential.
Equal but Different Relationships
The following statement describes what equality does and doesn't mean in relationships:
"The restored gospel of Jesus Christ proclaims the doctrine of equal partnership between men and women, here and in the eternities. In this context, it is important to understand what Latter-day Saints mean by the term equal partnership. Equality is all too often mistaken to mean that if two things are equal, they must be identical to each other.
But the truth is otherwise. Even though we aspire to be of “one heart and one mind” (Moses 7:18), that does not mean that spouses will be or should be identical. For example, “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” teaches that gender is “an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”
Latter-day Saint theology teaches that gender difference does not superimpose a hierarchy between men and women: one gender does not have greater eternal possibilities than the other. As Elder Earl C. Tingey, formerly of the Presidency of the Seventy, has said: “You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to [the other]. [They] walk side by side … not one before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other.” (Valerie M. Hudson & Richard B. Miller, Equal Partnership in Marriage, April 2013 Ensign).
If You Find Yourself in an Abusive Relationship
If you are the easy going, more deferential partner in a relationship and the other partner is controlling in an abusive manner, it is important to work to put a stop to the mistreatment. That may or may not involve ending the relationship, depending on the particulars of a relationship. The best advice I have seen on this subject comes from a quote from the October 1991 General Conference where Aileen H. Clyde states the following, which speaks for itself:
"If charity is not always quick to our understanding, it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding. It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him, we must respect ourselves, suggests we must not accept disrespect from others.
It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. There are priesthood leaders and other loving servants who will give aid and strength when they know of the need. We must be willing to let others help us."
Final Thought
The main conclusion I want to leave you with from this article is that whether you are the main decision maker or you tend to defer, when the correct spirit, attitude, and caring, consideration, and love are applied to relationships and marriage, any person and personality can thrive in a marriage. Remember to consider the others in all decisions. Getting your way is usually inferior to considering the other partner. Always consider and collaborate with them. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-02-27 | Randy Gilchrist |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).