by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
In many LDS singles scenes, friendships and connections are common. Romantic relationship, less so. Romantic attraction is a mysterious mixture of physical appeal, personality, and other intangibles. All of these factors taken together add up to feeling like “more than friends”. A common frustration in singles scenes occurs when a person theoretically or practically “seems like” they would be a good romantic partner, perhaps even eternal marriage companion. Yet, for whatever reason, the romantic attraction just isn’t there. Perhaps physically the other person just doesn’t seem attractive enough. Perhaps there is something “off” about their personality. Or sometimes, “the chemistry just isn’t there” for unknown reasons. In such situations, should you conclude no romance is possible? That this will only ever just be a “friend”? Or, could you possibly “grow” to be attracted to someone over time if you just get to know them better? Perhaps if you spent more time with them?
Theory 1: No
An understandable theory here is to assume that if you are not attracted to someone from the beginning, that that probably won’t ever change so please do not try to date that person because it will end in frustration and failure. Personally, I would never disagree with this opinion if someone concluded this. It makes sense. I would assume the person concluding to not date someone feels that the gap from the low level of initial attraction versus where the attraction level would need to be for romance is too big of a gap. Or perhaps there is a certain physical or personality trait in the other that they know they could never get past. In any event, attraction in these cases cannot be forced and probably shouldn’t be tried. Also, if the thought of “trying” to be attracted to someone you really just aren’t attracted to repels or even repulses you, I suggest that you do not date this person. Remember, this is the plan of agency, and it is ok to not date someone you just don’t have those kinds of feelings for. Search your feelings and be true to yourself.
Theory 2: Yes
Again, this is the plan of agency. So, if you aren’t romantically attracted to someone initially, you can try to date them to see if more develops. My only recommendation here is this: search your feelings strongly. See if there are enough attractive qualities about this other person that could grow on you. If you don’t feel very physically attracted to this person, can you at least imagine kissing them? If so, that may be something to work with. In other words, it may be a good idea to date a person that you at least see legitimate potential. In assessing this, perhaps you can ask yourself these kinds questions to help clarify your decision:
1) Could I imagine myself kissing this person (and liking it)?
2) Is this the kind of person that “theoretically” would be good for me (on paper)?
3) Is this person strong in the gospel?
4) Could I get along with their personality?
5) Do others seem impressed with and interested in this person?
6) If I am not attracted to this person, why? What is this really about?
If you can give yourself some honest, legitimate, positive answers to these questions, perhaps you can feel more confident about giving dating and potential romance a try.
Final Thoughts
If you are honest and real with yourself, if you search your feelings, and if you make the best decision you reasonably can, I trust your decision either way. Most dating relationships that lack initial attraction usually stay that way. However, a small portion grow to true romance, love, and commitment. The choice is yours. Own your choice and make the best decision you reasonably can. Of course, taking your feeing to the Lord in prayer can help you with guidance and direction in your final determination. Still, the Lord is not your matchmaker. The ultimate decision is still yours. Make good decisions and give yourself the best chance possible for romantic success. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
INFO FOR READERS--
*To submit a question for a future Q & A column or to request a possible future article subject, contact me at drgilchrist@yahoo.com.
**Do you struggle with pornography or another addictive tendency? Do you struggle with eating issues or want to lose weight? Anxiety issues? Other issues, challenges, or problems? Consider my special custom hypnosis recording service for fellow LDS members only, available worldwide by online delivery. A powerful, effective, convenient tool for change. Learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds or email me questions at drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Completely private and confidential.
| 2018-04-16 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating, Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).