by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
In 1962, rock and roll legend Neil Sedaka released his most famous hit, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do". Lyrics:
You tell me that you're leavin',
I can't believe it's true!
Girl, there's just no livin' without you.
Don't take your love away from me.
Don't you leave my heart in misery.
'Cause if you go, then I'll be blue,
Breakin' up is hard to do.
Remember when you held me tight,
And you kissed me all through the night.
Think of all that we been through,
And breakin' up is hard to do.
They say that breakin' up is hard to do,
Now I know, I know that it's true.
Don't say that this is the end.
Instead of breakin' up I wish that
We were makin' up again.
I beg of you don't say goodbye,
Can't we give our love just one more try?
Come on baby, let's start anew,
Breakin' up is hard to do
So, why is breaking up so hard to do? Because one person is hearing news they usually don't want to hear that breaks their hearts, hopes and dreams for a once promising relationship. No matter how a breakup occurs, one side will tend to feel more upset, sad, angry, and/or disappointed than the other. Why? Because the first partner has generally already gone through an inner distancing and private acceptance of the demise of the relationship. They have a head start and are "ahead in the process". And so, when the second person hears the news, no matter how it is put, it is going to be upsetting, sometimes crushing.
Worse Ways to Break Up
In general in life, the worst ways to do things come in the extremes, and it is no different with breaking up in a relationship. At one extreme is when the partner breaks up by ignoring, avoiding, distancing, and giving little to no verbal clarification that a break up has occurred. Often the hope from the person breaking up is that the other will see the signs, get the hint, realize they are being broken up with, accept it, and move on. However, the second partner getting broken up with usually instead feels in limbo, disrespected, embarrassed, humiliated, frustrated, confused, desperate, and/or in the difficult spot of making assumptions and conclusions of what happened, why, and what to do about it--with limited information. Sometimes, disappearing and ignoring a dating partner is called "ghosting", and it is really painful. Please do not just ignore and avoid someone you have been going out with. It comes across as hurtful, cowardly, and disrespectful.
At the other extreme are the more harsh, blunt breakups involving such extremes as fighting, yelling, screaming, name calling, put downs, humiliation, accusations,
sarcasm, blame, and so on. Such breakups are filled with pride, contention, anger, and an overall ugly ending to a once promising relationship gone sour. Often such endings to a relationship are regrettable and can either occur spontaneously stemming from an argument that spirals out of control and/or in a planned fashion. Usually these blowup breakups occur after being triggered by something small, but
follow with rehearsed words and statements that can seem like a damn breaking from a huge, overpowering flood. Another type of overly blunt breakup consist of sharp, pointed, often sarcastic, often hurtful statements that includes a lack of respect and sensitivity in how it is said. Again, this aggressive kind of extreme breakup isn't any better than ignoring and avoiding. Health, like always, is to be found somewhere in the middle.
Better Suggestions for Breaking Up
Although it depends on the personalities involved and other circumstances between a couple, most experts agree that the best approach for a breakup involves "assertive communication". Whereas passive communication minimizes or avoids the communication and aggressive communication is harsh, insensitive, and often hurtful or forceful, assertive communication rests somewhere balanced in the middle: open, honest, and direct, yet civil, respectful, sensitive, and considerate.
An assertive communication breakup will include a tone of voice, body language, and facial expression that is reasonably civil and respectful, so be mindful of these nonverbals. The assertive words chosen to deliver the breakup could be many statements. From my experience, how this breakup is delivered is more important than the exact words. Doing so looking and sounding as sensitive and considerate (and genuine) as possible will be often the most important thing. Still, the words you choose matter as well, so please think this out as well before the conversation if possible. A number of possible assertive breakup statements you could try include the following 10 (somewhat cliché, but still decent options):
--I just feel we make better friends than being in a relationship…
--Unfortunately, I am not feeling the chemistry needed to continue in this relationship…
--I think we should break up and see other people so we can both find a better/healthier relationship…
--I just don't feel enough of the emotional connection I need to feel…
--I think our relationship has kind of run it's course…
--I have just come to feel that we are not the best match for each other…
--I just don't think we are a good fit for each other…
--I think we are too different…
--I feel we are in very different places in our lives…
--I think we both tried very hard at this, but I think our relationship needs to end…
After breaking the bad news, give whatever constructive, productive listening and support to the other you can within reason, but stick to your statements and follow through. Again, how you say it will be more important than the particular line. Rarely are breakup talks well received in any event, but being assertive (versus passive or aggressive) will be both effective and minimally hurtful/contentious. When you fully realize a relationship doesn't have the long term potential you want and need, I suggest breaking up as soon as possible to allow you both to move on and find a better match, which you eventually will as you go forward in a healthy, respectful, consistent manner. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-09-26 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).