by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
In last week's article, I examined self-esteem--the degree that we value ourselves--and why it matters. In this week's article, I will present a number of ways to work to help boost and elevate our self-esteem and self-worth. Accordingly, here are a 5 ways to work each day to treat yourself better and eventually feel better towards and about yourself:
1) Stop criticizing yourself
To criticize yourself is to put yourself down such as with name calling ("I'm such a_____"), absolute statements ("I never_____", "I always_____", "why can’t I ever_____"), and other inner statements that tear down your character as a person. When I've asked clients over the years why they sometimes criticize themselves, they generally answer with "well, I'm just trying to motivate myself to change and improve". My response has usually been, "so how well is that working for you?" Of course they answer that it hasn't been working for them. So, please don't do it. Criticizing yourself just serves to break down your inner spirit and feel badly about yourself. It is a poor motivator for change and will exhaust you and hurt your confidence that you can change.
2) Praise Yourself Often
Whereas criticism breaks down the inner spirit, praising yourself builds it up. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every big and little success or achievement. Build your confidence. Get a positive momentum going. When you praise yourself, you naturally desire to improve and succeed even more to have even more success and happiness (kind of like a "healthy greed"). In short, the best way to motivate yourself to change is, interestingly enough, by praising yourself.
If you are concerned that by praising yourself, that might somehow make yourself conceited, arrogant, or narcissistic, I wouldn't worry about that. When you praise yourself inside, just try not to put others down in the process. You can elevate yourself without tearing down others. In addition, when you are praising yourself, please just tell yourself the positive thing and then stop and put a period on the end of the sentence. Don't say, "but…". The but statement discounts and disqualifies the positive thing you just said. Just say, "I did a good job at_____", versus "I did a good job at_____, but I still messed up on that one part."
3) Stop Assuming the Worst
Anxiety is excessive worry where you imagine all of the worst case scenarios that could happen. "What if_____?", "What bad thing will happen next?". Excess worrying and being anxious about bad things that could or might happen hurts your self-esteem by reinforcing the idea that the world is a bad, scary place where bad things happen. Assuming the worst increases inner feelings of insecurity, paranoia, even panic. Basically, the opposite of positive, healthy, happy feelings that boost esteem: security, peace, calm, ease, relaxation, and overall confidence in yourself, others, and the world around you.
Like with self-criticism, I have asked many clients over the years, "why do you spend so much time and energy worrying about all of the bad things that might happen?" The typical answer I have received is "I'm just trying to be prepared in case______ (bad event) occurs". My response is, "what would you do if that bad thing did happen?" Followed by "and how long did it take you to come up with that plan?" Of course, not very long. All of the rest of that anxious thinking was just creating excess misery and self-terrorization. A good suggestion to combat anxiety riddled thinking: ask yourself, 1) what is my basic plan if the bad thing happens, and then 2) ok, now that I have my plan, what is something else better/different/healthier/happier to focus on now?
4) Give yourself regular affirmations
Affirmations are things that are positive, true, and hopeful about yourself that you can remind yourself about to build your self-esteem. What are some positive, true things that you know about yourself? What are some positive things others say to you or about you? What have you been successful at? What are you good at? What things have you improved on? Make a list of as many of these things as you can and then review them regularly. The more of these affirmations that you can list, review, and remind yourself about, the more you will build up your self-esteem and confidence.
To strengthen the power of your affirmations, you may wish to say them out loud, to keep writing them down, to record it on video and watch it, or say it towards yourself in the mirror. Basically, the more real you vocal and external you can make it, the more these ideas and truths will resonate inside yourself.
5) Take care of your body
Healthy, regular eating, sleeping, and exercise will help you in many ways. Of course, such positive physical lifestyle choices will increase your self-esteem by helping you to look better and get more positive attention and compliments from others. But doing these things helps in many other ways as well. Taking care of your body will elevate your mood, and when you are in a good mood more often, you feel better about yourself. Taking care of your body will also increase your physical energy. When you are energetic and going, moving, and doing more, you get more things done, feel productive, and feel better about yourself. Finally, taking better care of your body is great for your health. When you look and feel healthy on the inside and on the outside, you radiate, glow, and it's a great esteem boost. In short, taking care of your body is essential towards looking and feeling great both inside and out, so please do so.
If you need to research ideas on the subject to get you going and making better choices, that may be a good idea. I book I recommend is The New Abs Diet (for men) and The New Abs Diet for Women--both by David Zinczenko, editor in chief for Men's Health Magazine. Good information for basic healthy eating and exercise.
You have every right to feel good about yourself and you can. But you will have to work at it. It doesn't necessarily come naturally, And you can be happy in your relationships as well because of it. Because remember, "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2016-05-30 | Randy Gilchrist | Psychological health |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).