by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
I've heard it said as a psychologist that a relationships is like a living organism that, if you aren't careful, can die in a couple of possible ways. Either the relationship can be killed through conflict, fighting, resentment, and contention, or it can starve and wither away from a lack of bonding activities together: hobbies, affection, and doing things done together as a couple. Therefore, bonding activities together become as essential part of the glue that binds and holds couples together.
As couples meet, date, and eventually marry, their relationship is usually full of positive, fun bonding activities together: trips to the movies, miniature golf, bowling, concerts, dinners and desserts, vacation getaways, etc. Going out and having fun is essential to getting the relationship going. It's so fun, so why does the bonding often taper off and even end over the years of marriage? Usually the most common reason is that life responsibilities and duties happens: college, work, kids, housekeeping, bills/financial responsibilities, and so on. Often a casualty of marriage is the fun. The fun bonding activities become a luxury that happens less and less as real life crowds in demanding more and more time and attention.
Bringing It Back
So, what can be done to bring the magic back? Well, a good first step is to acknowledge the importance of bonding activities. Often, other priorities creep in and couples don't even admit the loss and importance of the bonding time. To accept and agree that the bonding time is lacking and is important enough to make time for is the first step. Once this is acknowledged, a commitment needs to be made to regularly incorporate regular quality time together. Usually this is best done by planning regular date nights both in and out of the home. If one night a week can be dedicated to doing something casual together in the home during the week--often during the week--such as cooking, watching a TV show or movie, playing a game together, reading together, etc., that can go a long way to reintroduce the bonding. Often these at home activities can be done with or without kids, depending on your circumstances.
In addition, planning for a date night together outside the home is a great second
idea. Because of time, money, and/or childcare limitations/issues, some couples can't manage to do a date night every week. So some couples have their out of the home date night every 2-4 weeks, whatever they can manage. Just do your best. Strongly recommended: please have your out of the home date nights consist of just you as the couple. Group dates or taking the kids along can be positive experiences as well, but these tend not to promote the level of quality couples bonding time compared to when a couple just goes out together alone.
A good way to plan date nights is to start with determining who will bring up the subject. If one side would clearly know it is their job to bring up the subject and this role is established and consistently done, that is a big part of the challenge. Many couples don't go out simply because…neither side brings it up. So when both sides are waiting for the other make the plans, often no plans end up happening. In short, someone needs to commit to bringing it up or it won't happen.
Once a designated person has agreed to initiate the date night planning conversation, a positive conversation where ideas are brainstormed and written down follows. Finally, when going out on the date night, an excellent agreement to make is to temporarily not talk about the usual negative, touchy conversations subjects: conflict, contention, resentments, anything that will put a negative dark cloud over the outing. Examples could include money issues, the in-laws, trouble with the kids, etc. Just spend your date nights together always remembering why you are doing this in the first place: to nourish, nurture, and strengthen your bond together as a couple. Keep it positive and enjoyable. Remember the magic of when you first met and spent all of that time together. Feed your relationship. It is essential for the survival of a marriage and life together. Finally, always remember that "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-03-05 | Shawn Gordon | Healthy relationships |
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