by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Dating in the LDS singles community is influenced by a number of avenues that can lead to a "you're good, but I can do better" attitude. And where does this "grass is greener" attitude come from? Several possible areas. We are all bombarded with ideas of what more and what better we supposedly can have and deserve from numerous sources in life. Some of this challenge comes in the ideal, slick relationships depicted in the many Hollywood movies and media. The perfect rich, good looking, charming dating partner looking and acting suave and clever, saying and doing the most amorous things can be very intoxicating. Other avenues depicting ideal relationship traits include the endless relationships articles available online, people painting ideal pictures of themselves on social media, and even friends pushing the idea that "you can do better". The result: many otherwise good, decent people who would make excellent dating partners and spouses are passed over, with opportunity lost.
The problem is not just that people who "have it all" are extremely difficult to find. That's true and part of the challenge. However, even more important in my opinion, is that most of the "you can do better" traits that tend to be promoted are with the more superficial areas of life, rather than the deeper, healthier, more important areas. Such traits include looks, fashion sense, money, power, position, social connections/standing, education, and so on. In and of themselves, such attractive attributes are not necessarily bad--depending on how one conducts themselves with them. However, other attributes, in my opinion, should be valued more, and a person lacking some of these superficial trait shouldn't be immediately passed over.
The Healthiest Traits to Value
In my opinion, even though there are many important traits to consider in choosing a dating partner, the two most important traits I suggest to use to base your choice on are spirituality, as well as how they treat you. First, spirituality is of course an important, eternally significant factor in a person. How is their testimony? Do they actively attend church, fulfill callings, read scriptures, pray? Do they hold a current temple recommend (or are on the path to getting one)? How important is the church in their life in general? Answers to such questions will give you are glimpse into what life would be together, and the role that spirituality will take in your lives together--hopefully a major role.
Secondly, how does this individual treat you? With basic kindness, consideration, and civility? How does this person handle differences, talk out problems, listen? Are they basically kind towards you and others? Do they have a warm personality? Would you consider this person to be a basically, good, nice person and human being to both you and others? Consider your possible future day by day life together. When you choose a basically good human being that treats you well, you have given yourself a great opportunity for relational success and happiness.
Concluding Thoughts/Suggestions
My main recommendation here is to find a basically good, decent person that treats you well and is firmly grounded in the gospel. That is the kind of person best to date and marry. When those 2 attributes are there as your basis, consider the other attributes from there. I don't want to imply looks, money, education, and so on don't matter. Consider the rest of those traits as well secondarily, but please don't pass over good, decent people who have what matters most. Who would be there for you over the decades and into eternity? Who would be loyal, kind, committed, and Christ-like? When the person in front of you passes that test, please give them a chance. Value these essential traits over the others that will melt away over time and as the years pass. Give such people a chance. Choose well. Value that which matters most. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
| 2017-03-13 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).