We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That common factor is what leads you to be reading this article at this time. As great as our church is, there are some natural, inherent challenges. In last week’s article I reviewed some common mixed messages that we have to navigate as active members trying to have it all and be it all. In this week’s article, it is not so much that a mixed message is given on this subject, but an incomplete message. In essence what I have noticed personally and from the feedback of others, we hear the linear message at church that we are to be good men and nice guys to women. And that that is the kind of man that women should want to be with and will ultimately choose to be with. However, in real life, that might not be the actual outcome with truly “nice guys”. These nice/good guy traits include such things as being a good, active, involved church member, talking and treating women with kindness and respect, and communicating with support, patience, and doing quality, patient listening. Such nice guys are also very giving, sacrificial, and often defer to the needs and interests of the wife and children. In short, good guys at church are basically nice, giving, and sacrificial service machines.
The challenge that I have noticed is not that all of these traits are always enough for women in the church. They are adequate a good part of the time, but there are limitations. The challenge is that these good guy/nice guy traits are not generally enough alone to find a woman, date and marry her, and keep her happy and interested over time. In other words, the effectiveness of these traits are limited. The purpose of this article is to examine other additional elements that actually promote attraction and continued interest. This article is an extension and elaboration of my earlier article, What is Attractive to Women (see: https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/what-is-attractive-to-women-272/).
Being aware of these things can help men and women discuss and navigate these real factors openly and honestly, versus having these issues slowly erode a relationship over time and possibly lead to the ending of a seemingly good relationship. In other words, it is important for a guy to not just be a nice/good guy and church member. Just being that is no longer “good enough” over time. Not with how 70-80% of divorces being initiated by women today. Even though this article is primarily written to men, it is useful for women to be aware of and address as needed.
Additional Attractors for Women:
Beyond the nice/good guy factors already discussed, there are 4 additional attractors to be aware of and considered in every relationship. Factors generally not discussed at church, or perhaps mentioned only occasionally in passing. However, ignore or neglect these factors at your own peril. If you do, either she won’t give you an initial chance at a relationship, or she may become bored, unhappy, and eventually end things with you over time as distance and dissatisfaction increases. These extra attraction factors are the key ones that create natural and instinctive spark, interest, butterflies, and excitement to women. To feed a relationship over time, look to address and strengthen these factors in a relationship and marriage, as needed. These factors are important both at the beginning of a relationship and throughout the relationship from there.
Looks: Women naturally are wired to be attracted to certain physical traits in men. Your job (men) is to do your reasonable best to look your best because looks matter to women as well. As reviewed in the previous article, Universal Beauty Indicators, women are attracted to several physical traits, some more controllable than others. Women, on average, tend to be attracted to men who are taller than they are, display a high degree of facial symmetry, masculine facial dimorphism, and who have broad shoulders, a relatively narrow waist, and a V-shaped torso. A key attractor: a flat strong, abdominal area. Such traits are thought to indicate a greater ability to provide and protect. (For more information, refer to: https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/universal-beauty-indicators-67/).
The main idea here is to take maintaining and improving your looks seriously. Ignoring this trait or even worse, “letting yourself go” will lead her to be unattracted and put off. If she tells you looks don’t matter, I promise you they do. Improve your looks the best you reasonably can through healthy eating, sleeping schedules, exercise, hygiene maintenance, being fashion conscious, etc.
Money: A good, stable income is the essence of what makes for a man being a good provider. In our church with the emphasis on women focusing more on home and children, a man earning more money frees women up more to pursue these home focuses. So, yes, the more you earn and the more stability and consistency you can show with your earnings, the more attractive you will be. It matters.
Confidence: When you carry yourself in a confident fashion with your tone of voice, body language, tone of voice, and choice of words, you will be more attractive. The more confident the man, the more assurance she will have that he can not only be successful in life, but also handle the challenges of life along the way. A confident man also helps her feel freer to experience and express whatever emotional ups and downs she may experience along the way.
Conversational Abilities: A man who can carry on a strong, stimulating, enjoyable conversation is a strong attractor. He can both bring up and share interesting thoughts and points of view, but can also listen to her with patience and interest as well. A key part of these conversational abilities is his ability to mix in some different and even opposing points of view with her in a thoughtful and respectful way. When he challenges her like this, she will be stimulated, spark will be created, and making up later will bring them closer together. Men: to learn how to effectively disagree and navigate these moments, I suggest reading or listening to the books How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, as well as Tongue Fu by Sam Horn. Think of this as a bit of verbal jousting. Remember, a guy who just agrees and defers a differing opinion to her all the time will become boring. Have different opinions and points of view and share them.
*Bonus Idea: Space: Have your own interests and hobbies besides her. Take some time to do your own thing and create some reasonable time to be apart and miss each other. If you don’t and you sacrifice all of your time for her, she will grow bored, need space from you, and push you away.
Final Thoughts:
Just because many of these attraction ideas are not talked about at church, they are still real, powerful attractors that factor into whether she will initially find you attractive, and then whether she will keep staying attracted to you over time. Keep all of these forces in mind and regularly attend to them accordingly for the best relational results. And for the women reading these ideas: if you can be honest with yourself that these are real and powerful forces of attraction, you can then share these things openly with him and navigate addressing these needs accordingly. These things are important. Neglect at your own peril. And remember that “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:11.
Dr. G
P.S. If you can questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at drgilchrist@yahoo.com.
| 2021-10-31 | Randy Gilchrist | Understanding men, Understanding women |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).