by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
One of the main causes of pain, stress, trauma, and resentment in a dating or married relationship is when one or both partners has a big problem with anger management. Years ago when I was a new intern therapist at Utah State University's marriage & family therapy program, I worked at a non-profit social service agency named The Family Connection Center in Clearfield. My first duty was the daunting task on leading a court ordered anger management group for parents who had been violent with their children, had their children taken away temporarily by the Child Protective Services, and were told by the court that they had to take a anger management class.
In the anger management class, the first thing taught was 1) the definition is "anger" was "feelings of ire, indignation, rage, or wrath due to a perceived injustice or ingratitude", and that 2) the definition of "management" was "to lead, channel, guide, or direct". Taken together, "anger management" is simply how a person guides or channels their feelings of anger. As we face injustices or ingratitude in life from others, we all experience periods and moments of angry feelings. But how we choose to manage and react to those feelings is what differs from person to person. Obviously, exploding into yelling, screaming, cussing, and other rageful actions are examples of poor anger management. Instead of that reaction, which will lead to hurt, retaliation, resentment, and even a loss of relationships with others, you need an alternative. Healthy anger management will be an important key in your quest to find a new spouse in the church, hopefully an eternal companion.
3 Healthy Anger Management Tips
1) Learn to physically calm yourself before, after, and even during an angry moment. Two excellent techniques for this include "deep abdominal breathing" and "progressive muscle relaxation". Google search, review, and practice these techniques regularly. No need to break them down here in this little article. These techniques as easily found. Choose and practice preferred versions of both of these techniques regularly to physically relax on a regular basis.
2) Practice the EBROE anger management exercise before or after an angry situation. This involves breaking down and writing out an episode of poor anger management in 5 chunks as follows:
A) Event--what initial thing happened around you or inside yourself that triggered your anger and led you to get upset?
B) Belief--how did you interpret the situation in an extreme manner that led you to get so upset?
C) Response--how did you behaviorally respond to the angering belief (part 2) and event (part 1)? In other words, how did you react to this anger outwardly, whether privately or to others?
D) Outcome--what were the positive results of believing and responding like you did (if any)? Also, what were the negative results and ramifications of believing and responding that way?
E) Evaluation--what would have been a better, healthier way to believe about and respond to that kind of situation in the future that will lead to a better outcome? In other words, if you could redo that scenario, what would be a better, more ideal way?
After going through this 5 step writing process, the better that you can identify, challenge, and commit to improving your poor anger management processes, the better improvement you will have the next time you encounter a similar challenge in the future.
3) Work to minimize taking things so personally. When another person does something that leads you to be hurt, angry, or upset, remember that most or even all of that really isn't personal. The other person is largely revealing their own poor coping skills and choices in life, and would probably mistreat another person in your same position if another happened to be in their way. In other words, a person's poor choices say more about themselves than you. The more you can separate taking hurtful or upsetting things personally, the better anger management you will achieve.
Final Thoughts
When it says in the scriptures that "the natural man is an enemy to God" (Mosiah 3:19), impulsive and poor anger management reactions can be considered a part of that challenge. With work you can overcome the natural man and display healthy and appropriate anger management, which will greatly increase your ability to find, keep, and maintain a healthy spouse in the future. Please work to achieve healthy anger management. It is worth it. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Sincerely,
Dr. G
| 2017-12-25 | Randy Gilchrist | Healthy relationships |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).