There is a You Tube channel called “Better Bachelor” (https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=better+bachelor). On this video channel, a guy nicknamed “Joker” talks about the various challenges of dating, marriage, and relationships today from the rarely given perspective of men. This channel may be more slanted or edgy than some would care for, so know that if you choose to watch any of these videos. However, some important messages are often shared on these videos that have caught my attention and have paralleled real-life issues I’ve seen repetitively in the therapy office. One particularly disturbing idea he often discusses is this basic modern trend: today, girls and women are largely taught that the only main contribution they need to offer in a relationship and marriage is to just…show up and look good. The man is basically expected to give and do the rest: be nice, interesting, giving, patient, a good communicator, and listener, be entertaining, provide money, and so on.
Now, I know that this idea and attitude towards relationships only relates to some women in the church. However, I have heard some of these ideas and attitudes creeping into church relationships and marriages which concerns me. For those women who are truly giving, caring, and others oriented, you are the exception and have not bought into this media and feminist-driven trend. Thank you. But for those who have adopted some of these modern ideas (“I basically just need to show up and look good, and then expect him to make all of the main efforts from there”), I would encourage you to move away from those attitudes and become more giving again in relationships. When both sides give a lot to the relationship and both work hard to treat each other well, the relationship has a much better chance to succeed. But when only one side is really working, giving, or accommodating, problems will follow. There still are and always will be problematic men who treat women badly. True. However, the focus on this article is to challenge the worldly idea some women have bought into that the man is expected to give much more than her and that she is entitled to this. Again, this is a modern feminist/media driven idea and attitude, not a Godly approach.
Ideal Femininity:
I wrote a couple of previous articles with some good ideas promoting traditional, healthy, nourishing femininity as an approach to relationships (see: https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/positive-ideas-about-femininity-216/ and https://www.ldsdimension.com/articles/a-naturally-excellent-woman-249/). In the positive ideas about femininity article, I posted the famous conference quote from October, 2000 by Sister Margaret D. Nadauld, she states the following:
Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.
Oh, how we pray that every young woman will grow up to be all the wonderful things she is meant to be. We pray that her mother and father will show her the right way. May daughters of God honor the priesthood and sustain worthy priesthood holders. May they understand their own great capacity for strength in the timeless virtues that some would scoff at in a modern, liberated world for women.
--The Joy of Womanhood
In a relationship, to break the trends of the world, the simple rule of thumb is to…be giving. Give. Be considerate. Take an interest in him. Ask about him. Do some things with him that he is into. Show a good mood. Give praise and positive reinforcement. Ask his opinion too. If he is basically a decent, giving guy as well, these efforts will mutually nourish and balance the relationship. A lopsided relationship will wither and eventually break. Be a giver. Try. Make efforts. This will feed and stabilize the relationship. And help you to invest more—physically and emotionally—in the relationship. Mutual consideration and efforts are the goal. Look for a giving man, but then please, commit to give strongly and regularly as well. Nurture. Be nice, happy, and in a good mood. Give appreciation. Show him he is important, wanted, needed, and valued. In short, buck the modern feminist trends and poor messages to women today. Your efforts will go a long way to give your relationship the best chance possible to not just survive, but to thrive.
Final Thoughts:
Be wary of problematic, unbalanced, lopsided, relationships. When either side are making the bulk of the efforts, this is unhealthy. Both sides need to try, invest, and make efforts. Women: please take heed of Sister Nadauld’s words. Be Godly women more so than modern, feminist women (who expect a lot and give little). And men, please look for such giving, loving, Godly women and then treat them with love and kindness in return. A healthy, happy, win-win arrangement. And remember, “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:11.
Dr. G
P.S. If you can questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at drgilchrist@yahoo.com.
| 2021-07-18 | Shawn Gordon | Healthy relationships, Psychological health |
About the author
I am a founder of this site and as of May 2015 I am happily married to a wonderful LDS woman. I spent my years in the singles system as a singles rep working to optimize events and maximize the effectiveness of people interacting and finding someone to love. I studied psychology for years and my years as a software and business consultant have made me very adept at understanding people and their motivations. I hope to help others find that same happiness that I have.